Friday, May 29, 2009

4 hours

Christina, Me and Katie will be picking up Patti in just 4 hours. . .. . . . . looking forward to it. the last post showed you how overwhelming things have been, and it is up to me to make a conscious effort to not let it rule my emotions and mood!!! being upset will not change Bill's family, so the only think i can change or control is my reaction to them. being upset is not going to make the strike go any faster, so i have to make sure i do not dwell on that. I just experienced a Miracle seeing the hands of a doctor change the future of my son. I have this awesome daughter who walked into the house today and handed me an envelop ( mom, you and bill take this weeks pay check, i don't need it, i'll just buy "silly" things anyway. yeah i'll be the first one to say she can be an opinionated spoiled little snot at times~ but when it counts, she is always there to help out in a tough situation. my youngest Sammy, hasn't left Drew's side, he stayed awake with him all night, so he wouldn't have to be alone, doing errand for him and such. and Corey and Sam both had the house ready for Drew...... reclining chair in place, side tables, etc.... I came home grumpy yesterday..... and instead of being happy with what was done, i pouted cause it wasn't done perfect. I cried last night....... cause i needed too..... today i feel so much better...... God WILL take care of my needs, and He will make sure i remember what i have......... not worry about what i don't have...... cause when it is said and done........ I have these AWESOME CHILDREN!!!, and this wonderful husband..... and the absolute greatest friends...... I have a view of the sunrise in the morning. I have this amazing body that can hike 5 miles, this strong body, that continues to heal as i am on this journey to better health..... I have a friend that is traveling from Arizona to sit on my porch with me, I have a Sister that lives 1/2 a mile from me...that is there for EVERYTHING, gee i could go on and on........ and i gotta get going.
I still got a long way to go to find the balance of peace in my soul... but for now i am i may begin the worry thoughts again tonight before i drift off to sleep, but maybe not........ i think I'll just love the NOW and let God worry about the TOMORROW.

getting there the hard part...... overwelmed!!!

my spirit is so out of sorts this morning...... my stomach is in knots...... just so much hitting my mind all at once, the come down from the high during Drew's surgery, Bill being on strike, Bill's family causing so much problems, because he is trying to help his the back of my head, Andrea and her wedding.......... i hate when i am like this, sometimes i am hard on myself because i am like this....... Andrew is having a tough time with this surgery...... oh i think physically he is on course, but this is really playing havoc with his emotions...... you wake up with a new face, gotta be difficult for anyone to adjust too..... esp a 17 year old. I am not talking waking up to a little plastic surgery here and there... i am talking the total reconstruction, oh his facial profile..... Bill is on edge, NO Bill is more than on edge..... i think he fell off the ledge and is holding on with one hand. he is going to apply for food stamps while on strike,.......that could help if we get it. bills and utilities keep going through my head....... I am angry, angry that i am trying to deal with selfish companies that made a record profit......but want to take things away from the "working" man, Angry at families that would steal from their own mother (so she says, and is being investigated), angry that they are adding more stress on my husband. Trying to be patient with my son, as he deals with the physical and emotional aspect of his surgery....... will i get to that sweet spot of peace and acceptance??? of course I will............ however it is a journey that i must cross before i get there. I know God is with me, and for that, it is enough. I will continue to pray..... I will continue to TRY and remember how blessed I am. and even if i don't feel it yet...... I will keep "saying it, believing it, hoping for it"....... for that peace and inner calmness that only God can give me......
Up note Patti is coming today.......and i am glad.... nothing better than being surrounded by friends during difficult times......

Thursday, May 28, 2009

My Andrew...........

first of all let me confess, I am absolutely and totally in love with another man beside my husband, but i just can't help it! His name is Doctor Buckley, and i don't even know what his first name is, actually i don't know anything about him..... But if you ask me today, or tomorrow, or maybe even next month..... i will tell you that I love him :0).

Dr. Buckley is the man i trusted my son's face with.......... so let me start from the beginning..... and make it brief, or as brief as possible. 8 or 9 years ago, it was noted that Andrew's lower jaw was growing much faster than the upper jaw, there was really nothing anybody could do but wait until he slowed growing, which is usually between 18 and 21. cause he would just out grow his surgery........... years go by, or looking back they seem to fly by.......... his under bite is getting worse, I didn't know the extent until yesterday........but his self esteem was getting worse, soon his upper teeth and lower teeth do NOT touch........ i guess some kids tease him........ he thinks he is a monster. *which he was not, everyone including the doctors thought he covered his under bite quite well, until they looked in his mouth. So Last Summer, we decided no matter what it took........ we would see to it that he was fixed........ a consult with an Orthodontist, a consult with an Oral Surgeon.......... wisdom teeth removed, braces put on.......... thousands of dollars paid.......... Andrew was well on his way!!! and a surgery day was set. I remember really meeting Doctor Buckley in his office for Andrew's preop appointment. (*Christina went with me for that too) It was amazing what this doctor was going to try and do... he would break Andrew's upper jaw, into the sinus cavity and pull it out........ he used this really cool machine and took dozens of measurements so he knew where to put Andrews face in regards to his head, ears, eyes......... he measured to the exact millimeter, explaining that proportionately this is where Andrew's upper jaw should be... he took molds of his upper and lower jaw........ he later told me and Christina, that he will practice "surgery" on the molds. before he does the actual thing......... that was May 7th,.............we wait, we wait 2o days, Andrew is excited, very excited..... i get nervous, i pray a lot....... this is 1000 times worse than me waiting for my surgery. i am scared, i won't lie, they are going to rearrange my baby boy's face.......
Surgery Day is here, and as usual, i can rely on my bestest friend ever, Christina....... always there when i need her!!! Albert's parent were there, and Albert and Bill would be coming later on.... (STRIKE keeping them busy). we are told surgery takes at LEAST 4 hours, more likely 5 hours. we say good bye to Drew..... I trust him in the hands of the Surgeon, I trust him in the hands of God. ...... they wheel him one way, we go the other way........... it is around 10:30 am...... we wait, and calculate when we will see the doctor again..... we assume the earliest time will be 4pm but we won't panic if it is closer to 5 or 6... So we settle in. i really do okay, every now and then, i'd feel a knot grow in the core of my stomach, as i think about Andrew's face being taken off...... and i take a deep breath, and I ask God to give me Peace........ Christina tells me that it is all okay.... she thinks i am doing good........ God is with me, God is with Drew, God is with the nurses and Doctors......... 11'oclock, 11:30, 12'oclock, 1'oclock, 1:30........... tick tock, tick tock.......... 1:55........ the surgeon walks in the waiting room looking for me, i am looking at his face.... trying to read it........ did it go okay?, he is done so early.... did something go wrong? is Andrew okay?.......... we follow him to a little room...... and then he speaks.......... " Andrew did GREAT, surgery went better than perfect, he only lost 200cc's of blood (less than a cup), the bones moved in place with ease, no problems........ your son looks completely different, you will not recognize him......... " God gave this man such incredible talent...... to change a face like a potter molds clay... and I now Love Doctor Buckley.
well seeing Andrew for the first time was "emotional" to say the least, he looks so good, well he looks exactly like Sam, i now have identical twin sons 3 years apart in age. Andrew started crying...... but he wasn't in pain, he was crying cause he was happy, he wanted this so bad, he said with swollen lips, and a closed mouth that........ now kids won't tease him, his dad was on one side of him, and he asked for Bill to be on the other side of him...... his two Dad's whom he adores...... have i ever mentioned how much God has blessed my life....... we surrounded his bed the grandparents, my X husband and my husband, his favorite "aunt" Christina and Me, we were all crying...... this sweet little boy, so appreciative of his family, so appreciative of the sacrifice... so loving, so innocent........ 17 years old, and my little boy.

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

going out on a limb here...........

Well, i had to take a huge leap of faith, and really went out on a limb yesterday. while working on my closet, putting away the winter clothes and bringing out the summer ones....... instead of putting away the majority of my winter things for next year, I put them in a bag to go to the salvation army.......dang, and some of them were pretty nice too!!! But why keep them??? for 15 months now i've had a continue down swing in weight, slow and steady minus the first month after the lap band surgery when the weight melted off. These clothes will NOT fit me next winter. I am not going to say it wasn't hard, cause it was just a little, this little voice in my head, well at least one of the voices kept saying, "well what if you don't keep losing? what if you gain it all back?, ....... however the "other" voice won out..... and the clothes are packed and ready to go to the Salvation Army.
Christina and I went for a pretty good hike yesterday....... it was about 4 miles, with quite a few steep hills Incorporated... I was drenched when the walk was over....... just trying to keep up with Christina's pace LOL.
I am heading to work in a few, i don't usually work on Tuesday BUT, since we were off yesterday and since i won't be there tomorrow, i figure I should go. Andrew has major surgery tomorrow, and i am nervous. they are going to totally rearrange the bones in his face and jaw..... they said it would be a 4 to 5 hour surgery........ Please please please keep him in your prayers...........gosh i wish it was me instead.
I will keep everyone posted on how things are going.
Hey Patti i'll be seeing you in a couple days, can't wait!!!

Friday, May 22, 2009

Walking in Faith..........

Good morning....... Bill found out last night as of midnight, His company is on strike!!! No unemployment, no nothing. He could be on strike for a few days, a few weeks, a few is all up in the air.
How am i feeling about this? I am okay, It is so easy to talk/preach about walking in Faith until you actually have to do it. Of course my mind has to process this...... i have to deal with the fear of the unknown, and with everything else in my life, when something happens, i take time to just meditate and pray..... like i said over and over again.... you don't "find" peace. You make a conscious effort to bring Peace to your soul. So how has my mind worked since i found out the news............ well last night, I listened to the sounds of the night, and stared into the dark vast sky, looking at the stars.... i fell into a deep sleep, I woke up this morning, watching the sky change from a deep purple, to a dark blue, to a soft gray to a deep red, with strokes of orange and pink and yellow..... to a baby blue, with the heat of the sun already pushing on the Earth... Yes of course there were moments that a dull ache in my stomach reminded me that Today Bill wasn't making any money.. but i made a conscious effort to put that thought away...... and i must be honest my thoughts immediately went to my nephew Alex, his brother and sister and his family... going on strike, losing a job...... not being able to pay bills..... IS ABSOLUTELY NOTHING in the big bright scheme of things. When Alex died, that family's life was forever altered... when Gail's baby boy died, it wasn't for a short while, or even for an undetermined time..... it is Forever on this Earth!!! No matter how long or how short, what we are going through is temporary.
I am just Amazed how God has prepared me, just think, if i were still at Kiski Prep... i'd be done with work this week too.... i'd be going on Summer break for 3 months.... we would have NO income....... we are so blessed that Bill was able to pull a little out of his retirement to pay the mortgage a month ahead, not everyone has that luxury. I know without a doubt, that God will see my family through....... oh and as of June first my health insurance is stopped..... not sure how that will affect my June 27th apt. but IF and i say IF we are still on strike, i'll just postpone the adjustment/check up...... i have a lifetime here, so what's a couple of months? if i need to Pennsylvania has an awesome health plan for children. no matter what the parents income is...... Andrew is getting his surgery under the wire........... Wow............ writing this, i am finding how blessed i am.........
Now why the geese???? well i think i may have posted something about them before....but i'll explain again..... over 10 years ago when my first husband left me, it was truly the darkest hour in my life..... it was the first time ever that i didn't feel the hand of God on me, Although i wasn't suicidal in the sense that i'd harm myself, i was suicidal in the passive way...... i would never swerve my car in the path of a Mack truck, but if that truck would of crossed over and hit me......... i would not have cared.!! The dark cold season, lasted throughout the winter.. i finally accepted my state of mind, and i stopped running away from the pain, but i just let myself feel the pain....... My life was suddenly and forever altered. Me a single mom of a 8,6,3 year old..... well during this time i started walking .......everyday..... for at least 5 miles...... it was more of a meditating time for me than an exercise routine...... one Early spring afternoon, i head out my door, and start walking on the country road, the air was so crisp and clean, and i remember the sky being so so blue.... not hazy blue of summertime, but the blue you see in early spring and late fall.... as i begin to walk past the pond...... two geese take flight out of the water,........ both calling to each other............. at that moment, my heart suddenly felt so light...... and i again felt God's hand on me, realizing He never left me, He had been there comforting me the entire journey. I KNEW at that moment........... i would be alright..... my spirit would not be altered by the circumstance.........bitterness and hatred would not remain....... The simple sound and vision of those geese gave me an incredible peace......... and i remember this EVERYTIME i hear and see Geese in flight............
This morning as the sun was coming up......... two lone geese fly past my window conversing with each other......... and I remember...... I remember that the Hand of God never Leaves me.........

Wednesday, May 20, 2009


This is what my Son Corey made me for mother's day! I just got it yesterday, and i am thrilled. everyone who knows me knows how much I love my porch...... so i am sure i will be getting plenty of use with this chair. But more importantly, it means something cause my son was so proud of it. You see, Corey and I had been having issues, and several months ago things got really really bad! it was a really rough time..... and I had to do a lot of fighting with myself to not take things so personally. you see, God didn't give me Corey like he gave me the other kids.... 3 of them i gave birth to, But Corey was given to me when he was 12. still apart of God's plan..... still my son.......... we were Corey's 9th home, and when i took him, I gave him my word that i would keep him no matter what........... well, he's really tested me over the years........ i think he just wanted to see if I would really weather the teenage storms with him, or just let him go........ oh i wanted too lately, but i guess it just wasn't an option. Teenagers are difficult to begin with, that transition between child and adult, hormones out of wack........ emotions out of control..... so add the difficulties Corey was dealt for the first 12 years of his life...... well the waters have calmed, and we survived. Corey even admitted that he was being down right mean to me..... he admitted this to his Case workers too. we've been doing really well for about a month...... hopefully with every storm we weather out, our foundation gets stronger.. instead of crumble, and just maybe, just maybe...... a reinforcement has been added to Corey's very very fragile foundation....... and just maybe, by the Grace of God, Corey will be okay as an adult. His early childhood sucked, it sucked really bad.... but I don't want him living there, or using that as a cop out to deal with life..... it sucked, you can't go back..... deal with it, cry...... scream...... let it go........ and move on...... *Corey is okay with me talking about this just so you know, i want to respect his privacy so i didn't go into details about the issues..... and he may even talk about his life and his many homes on a local TV show in the future..... i'll let you know.

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

opps its Tuesday<|> 5 mile hike<|> 2 months

okay i couldn't think of the title for this blog entry, so i thought i'd do three. first off, Christina reminded me that today was tuesday, and i weigh myself on tuesdays..... I lost 2 lbs. so i think i've lost in a month, what i was losing in a week when i first had surgery. which is a GREAT thing.... Megan insists that i look different every time i see her, i don't think it is that drastic anymore, but i will take the compliment.
I told Christina, we should work on 2 days hard work out at Johnny's, 2 hard hikes... like today!, and if able throw in two more walks, or one more walk, and one more weight training session. BUT we should try getting the 4 in for sure. Today we went to Conemaugh..... and i took her out on the trail a little over 2.5 miles. up the mountain side, and down the mountain side, and across two bridges that over look the river
and the hills for miles. absolutely beautiful!!!! i could have gone a little further but i realized that we had to turn around, and go back, and going back included a very steep hillside...... and when i say steep, i mean steep! my legs felt all rubbery, but i managed, and i managed quite well.
It has been two months today since i had Lap Band surgery. so far i consider it a complete success. I haven't had any regrets, well i think i may have said on Sunday i changed my mind, but that lasted only a minute. It has helped me in not eating as much at one sitting..... it does remind me to eat slow and deliberately. it really has been a fun journey so far.....
well so i blogged twice today......... maybe i won't have to tomorrow....
make it a good one
oh and the photo is of a tree, it seems that the wind and flood waters tore the bark right off of it, there is a piece of bark hanging on a vine .. it was just really cool to look at, the picture doesn't even begin to give it justice

~>what I NEED not what I think I WANT

my title is a topic on the "enjoying everyday life" with Joyce Meyer this morning. i so enjoy my early morning... enjoying the sunrise, sipping my coffee (that hubby brings) in bed, and watching Joyce. .... can't get better than that :0).
I realize there is a big difference in "needing" and "wanting". I trust that God gives me what I need. so many times I would waste time and energy fretting on what I think i need/want. i spent so much time dreamily looking on the other side of the fence....... you know where the grass is greener!!! So and so had a better job with more money, so in so can eat anything they want and stay so skinny. so in so's husband cooks dinner every night, and her husband gets her flowers ALL the time! So and so isn't tied down by kids, can get up and travel with out making it a major plan with what do i do with the kids and how do they get here and there while i am gone. A long time ago, when I gave over my life to God...... Faith stepped in. and as I get older, i find that i lean more heavily on my Faith! I just know that i am where i am supposed to be, I know that my future is taken care of, i know my past is forgotten. So more and more i am noticing what is on my side of the fence.........I have ALL that I need, not what I think i WANT! and guess what, my grass is pretty darn green. I am enjoying living my "simple" life, I'd love not having a mortgage, yeah it sure would be nice to hit the lottery, but i don't NEED it.!! sure there are times that i'd love a quiet house, But i wouldn't trade the noise, and warmth of having the house filled with teenagers! Peace surrounds me, and my home, Yeah it would be so cool to never have a weight problem, but that would mean that I would have never met some dear friends, speaking of one of these friends, Hi Patti, you'll be here in 10 days and some odd hours. I NEVER wanted to be a divorce statistic. but God even blessed that to work out for me sending me Bill, who was the perfect piece to the puzzle called my family, and that not only included me and the kids, but my X husband and his family. So as it stands........ I have everything i NEED, oh yeah there are several WANTS, but i will try really hard to sort out my Wants and Needs..........

well i am going over to my work for group therapy, and then Christina will pick me up and i think we will go directly to Conemaugh for a very nice hike, Johnny tomorrow, ..... it is a beautiful day, and i plan on enjoying it!!!

Monday, May 18, 2009

Why in the heck haven't I posted lately......

can't answer that! other than I've been busy...... but in a good way. and i just haven't mosied over to the computer lately. Patti comes in 10 days and 23 hours when i am writing this........ it is coming so quickly. i am excited and relaxed...... Andrew has major facial surgery in 8 days and 12 hours. He is excited, I am however a little nervous, i trust his doctor, and I trust God..... (not in that order) wow that means school is over for all 3 boys in 10 days and 21 hours.......... and summer begins. i am glad i have a job that doesn't go on a 3 month break..... it is a blessing in disguise........
So much is going on, and i have a lot to talk about, but not a lot of time. i will tell you this......... i got truly truly lap band sick yesterday. i notice that i can eat 1/2 of what i normally eat, and to date i haven't had a certain food that i totally rejected....... until yesterday!!! i made Stromboli's for the family, and i remember eating it before........ BUT not after my first small adjustment/fill. i don't eat even 1/3 of the Stromboli serving.... but i suddenly got a lot of pain and pressure, i so wanted to throw up, but didn't, got all dizzy and sweaty,,,,, and then of course the digestive tract started spasming.... and i had pretty rough diarrhea for about 2 hours. i was so sick, i began to think that maybe i had a stomach flu or virus............ i went to my room to lie down...... drifted off to sleep and woke up feeling just fine... so nope not a virus..... just my body becoming allergic to white doughy foods...... umm don't think i'll try that one again..... and gee this is before my second adjustment at the end of June.
i am enjoying a moment where there is peace and contentment with all 4 of my children..... usually they take turns giving me problems... well right now, all 4 of them are actually being a joy to be around....... what is up with that????
well i gotta get going ......maybe i'll post more tomorrow.... love and blessings

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

I REALIZE small changes*~*

I've been thinking, yes that may surprise many. But, I am lying in bed this morning thinking about my journey with the Lap Band. and for the entire journey, beginning last year, nothing has been sudden or drastic. It has been a slow and steady learning process. i keep blogging that i don't have restriction yet......... but in reality I DO!!!! I keep forgetting for almost an entire year before the surgery, i've been learning to eat slowly with smaller portions........ so there wasn't any sudden changes. i stopped drinking Soda Pop 9 months before surgery..... again no sudden change after the lap band.... 6 months before surgery i started concentrating on eating lean proteins first......... you got it no sudden change after lap band surgery....... 6 months before surgery i stopped drinking with meals and started waiting for an hour after............ So you get the picture.... Yesterday evening Bill, Me and the kids went out to eat...... I gave the kids the rolls that came with my meal, All four of Us shared my salad. I had fish and veggies........ i thought i left room for dessert at Rita's, i got a small gelati ...... don't forget i had the mindset that i am not restricted yet...... I ate 1/4 to 1/3 of the SMALL gelati...... Bill ate the rest!!!! I was done for the night. Sooooooooooooo looking back, and re-evaluating my eating... I AM RESTRICTED~~~ i am not so restricted that i can only eat a cup of food a day. but i am restricted in the sense, i eat a "normal" serving and i am comfortable. so i'll enjoy this stage, and we will see what will happen on June 27. .... there is a fat layer around my stomach, so as i continue to drop weight, i am losing it there too.... making my lapband feel loose..... my lap band has a lot of room for adjustments. ........ .
I am up early this morning.....want to have the house cleaned, prepare my stuffed shells, and be ready for work. Johnny wants to see me and Christina at 4:30 today I work until 3. Chris can you pick me up at home, as Katie is now driving again and will have the car for work. at least that is the plan???
It is a beautiful day..... not hot, not humid..... lots of sunshine, and fresh air......
Make it a good day........ Hugs to my GG's. gosh Chris, i haven't even had much contact with you and you are my neighbor...what is up with that????

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

~*~life as it is ~*~

-> First of all I just put this picture up, cause it is so darn cute. There is something about Izzy that you just gotta love! wait until you meet her Patti, you'll know what I am talking about!!!
-> Physically I am doing great. I am feeling so good, not having any problems at this point. I am scheduled for a lap band adjustment on June 26th, I've been told for the majority of people the second adjustment/fill is the one that makes the most difference. we shall see. I like where i am right now. I can still eat what would be a normal serving, my lunch today is grilled fish, spinach, and strawberries. Bill and I may go out to dinner, if that is the case, i will order my meal, and ask for the box to be sent out with it...... i'll immediately put 1/2 away.. and enjoy the rest. I eat mainly protein and veggies. i really limit the breads and simple carbs.
-> My job is going awesome, I have been busy but very productive. I am quickly learning what is expected of me and then some, funny today I am at Kiski, and i never felt like...... ahh gotta go to work today..... until this morning, it really has, and quickly, became my second job that i HAVE to finish. as a rule this is my last day here. I was asked to stay on as a fill in here or there. I really like the new boss, so i told her I would. but who knows what my future holds..... this may be the final chapter for Kiski and Me..... the book closes at 1pm today.
-> I am feeling very content right now. I seem grounded, I just know that no matter what happens, It will be alright. If Bill goes on strike next week, it will be okay. financially it seems to be getting tight, but that will be okay too. We are very fortunate that both Bill and I have good jobs. I am spending more time in quiet meditation and prayer. when i seem to be the quietest, i hear God the loudest. I don't know what I'd do without my Faith and Friendship in God! Without getting into it to deeply. I've been hurt, and a part of me wanted to lash back out, and hurt back, but the still quiet voice told me not too.... it took all that I could not to .... my humanity and my spirit will forever clash, sometimes my spirit wins, and sometimes my humanity wins... this is life as it is. this weekend the battle was in full force. Bill has some family that are just unhealthy to be around...... and when we are around them, we can just feel the tension. I told Bill what matters is he communicate with his mom, don't worry about what the "sisters" are doing. That doesn't mean we bash them, wish ill harm on them, BUT it is okay to distance ourselves in a peaceful way. and don't do tit for tat! Easier said then done. As i get older, i am learning Peace isn't "found". it is earned, I work hard to keep a peaceful environment in my life..... and gee Satan doesn't want us to experience Peace, cause that just makes Us one step closer to God.......... so he trys really hard to throw curves and dirt in our way....... in the form of a lost job, mounting medical bills, angry X husband, difficult kids,..... experiencing Peace to me just means......... giving ALL my issues to God to take care of....
Well it is beautiful this morning..... chilly, sunny, blue sky's, white billowy clouds...... I think I'll go take a minute and just enjoy it......

Monday, May 11, 2009

okay, now to explain

the day before i was to go to Gettysburg with the local school, i decided to call the office where Andrew had an appointment. Being that Drew's dad was in Erie, and i'd be in Gettysburg... i wanted to know if i needed to sign anything and fax it over... well the office said either I or The dad HAD to be there....... i said what if we get a notarization that the grandparents can take him........answer NO, okay Bill his step dad would take him, after all he is the carrier of the insurance, and He pays the bills......... answer NO, okay i'll come now and sign the papers........ answer NO...... so no other option.... i hated doing it at the last minute, but i had to call the school and tell them i could not go. If i didn't stay home, Andrews necessary surgery would have and could have been postponed several months..... There was really not an option on my part, i just felt so bad, reliability is very important to me, and i hated putting the school in a predicament. Andrew is scheduled for major facial surgery on May 27th they will cut into his upper jaw, and into his sinus cavity and pull it forward 8 mm's, and then they will cut his lower jaws and remove two portions and push it inward......... He is excited!!!
We had unexpected company this weekend. Bill's sister and brother in law from South Carolina came up because Bills mom isn't doing that well, the sister decided to just drive up on thursday...... she stayed with Us. it was a really nice visit. quite busy yet relaxing if that is even possible.
Sunday was a double header for me~ birthday and mothers day. lets see i got several trees to plant, house cleaned, lunch made, visit from my brother with a cake in tow. a couple hours of alone time, movies watched, and my day ended with my youngest making me a sugar free pudding/ whipped topping, fresh strawberries dessert brought to me in bed to enjoy while i was watching "the sound of music". last week Katie took me out for lunch and bought me not one, but two purses........ it was a good day...
This should be my last busy busy week for a long time, because tuesday is my last scheduled day at Kiski Prep. and Sat i am helping with a retreat . which makes me work~ mon, tues, weds, thurs, fri and sat.. throw in a few work outs with Johnny and a handful of mom things to do..... i think it will be a busy week.
well i want to get things organized this morning before i head to work, so that when i do come home...... i can walk into a peaceful atmosphere..

Friday, May 08, 2009

i didn't go to Gettysburg.... and i'll explain later

on my way out the door......... long story but i couldn't go to Gettysburg, i'll try to explain later, but my children always come first. had my first apt with my family doc since surgery. i will remain off of my blood pressure medicine for now........ i am off of my protonix........ heck i am off of everything....... but my Claritin when i need for allergies......... He was very very pleased with my progress.........

gotta go will try and get on later, there is ALOT going on right now.

love and blessings

Wednesday, May 06, 2009

No "sweet" spot yet......

well it has been a few days since my first band adjustment/fill. and as the swelling has gone down, i notice that although there is a slight difference, i will be needing another adjustment when i go back in June. I can tolerate pasta, and just about everything else. oatmeal is a no no, and yesterday i made fresh bread, and i tasted it ...... not a good idea..... funny i didn't get nauseated, or spit it up...... it like hit my intestines, and bam, stomach cramps and diarrhea. after 20 minutes I felt fine again..... this is a learning process, and even so i am finding the tools i learned over the year are very important in maintaining and continuing my weight loss journey. There has been a misconception that people who have this surgery are looking for an easy way out...... well i will verify that is no way true in the least. if i just wanted to rely on my band........ i would have gained back the approx 50 lbs i lost already. BUT because i am relying on exercise, proper portion control, meditation and prayer, mindful eating, chewing,......... i am able to continue with my weight loss and stabilization. while i wait to find the spot that my band is tight enough to feel full for a long time, but not too tight that i can't get my nutrients. Just like everything else, i am in no hurry.... the doctor wanted me back in 4 weeks, but they are backed up 6 to 7 weeks, he said just a very very very small percentage of people respond to the first fill.... it has to do more with the genetic makeup of your esophagus, and how your digestive tract moves, than anything else!! I think when they told me i couldn't get in until the end of June.. ..they were surprised I didn't get angry, they said many people get frustrated having to wait. I look at as a learning experience, more time to watch what, how much, and how fast I eat....... it is a good thing. Now understand, i am still not able to pig out like i used too, or even yesterday when i ate white bread, i didn't feel so well.... so there is some physical control there. But at least i won't be so restricted that i won't be able to tolerate any thing when Patti is here.. okay Patti, chances are i won't be able to enjoy the delicious Amish bread, but i will enjoy lunch with the man who serenades us while we eat, and i will be able to enjoy a few of Boogieman wings, .
Today i work until 3pm and then i'll go help Katie with her babysitting until 4 pm, and then bill and I will go grocery shopping..
tomorrow i leave the house at 5:30 am, and will return at 11pm. going with the school as the Nurse, to Gettysburg. long day.......... tons of walking, i will wear my pedometer to see about how much i may walk.... i looking back on the last time i went....... i notice that i weigh 75 lbs less than i did then. and as i recall i wasn't working out with Johnny........ so i KNOW that i will be feeling the difference. I will prob rely on a couple protein shakes, i do not plan on eating fast food, so i will pack a good appropriate lunch... chicken salad, wasa crackers, spinach leaves, strawberries, pecans, low fat cheese, and 2 hard boiled eggs.... sure sounds better than a double cheeseburger at McDonalds.
well i better get my butt moving......... make it a great day....... i plan on it.

Monday, May 04, 2009

~> Rain

you see i love a rainy day every bit as much as I love those sunny, billowy cloud, warm breeze type of days.... today we are having a "rainy" day. it is cool and damp, the rain is beating on the windows and the roof. this is a day i could curl up with a book or an old movie.... I have a couple hours before work, but not enough time to do either of the above mentioned. I could lay on my bed, stare out at the rainy hillside and be lulled back to sleep until 9am, but i am not going to do that either..... so this morning i will shut the TV off, turn on silence, let the rain be my music, pack a lunch, start supper in a crock pot, sweep the floors, fix my bed, get a warm bath....... and head to work....... that way when i come home.... it will be done.. and then i can enjoy my evening raining or not.
Today i pulled out my food journal to start writing in again, not that i am eating much at all, But i think this will help me to monitor my food and mindfulness. I need to learn to eat 3 meals, and if i get hungry, 2 snacks. and when i say snack, i mean snack....... not 5 meals. a snack would be 1/2 an apple and 1 oz of lowfat cheese.... thats it!!! or one WASA cracker with 1 laughing cow light cheese spread..... that is a 60 calorie snack, and very filling. I don't think i am going to focus on counting calories, carbs, protein, I just want to focus on eating 3 meals, and 2 snacks. I don't want to measure the amt of food, but rely on eating.......chewing....... and letting my band work with me........ how you can work through the band, is right after the full feeling, you wait a short time, drink water, and you can again eat .... you can do this all day long.......... and in this case you are not working with the tool given you,.. the lapband is like anything else... you can have a gym membership, if you go once in a while, and when you are there, you sorta kinda make some movements..... the tool of the gym is not going to work for you. If you take Alli the pill that makes you poop if you eat too much fat. if you don't take it with every meal, or you skip the pill when you are getting ready to devour some wings and Alfredo....... that tool isn't going to work for you. i remember when my husband decided what an easy way to lose a few pounds, he bought this to try......... so he took the Alli, and then proceeded to eat a dozen hot wings with blue cheese dressing.............. and then he proceeded to ummm, poop his work pants and had to come home and change...... so if he had 100 grams of fat... he lost 25 grams in his stool, so he STILL ingested 75 grams of fat for that meal.......... that tool DIDN'T work for him...

My mindset changed way before my surgery...... my habits already changing... now i must be cautious and remember... that for Lapband to work........ i better be diligent and mindful.
Have a beautiful Rainy day and Monday.........
This is my lunch for today grilled fish, spinach, strawberries, toasted pecans to make into a salad with a yummy homemade dressing . this is my lunchbox that i use now.....and i love it, love it love it.......

Sunday, May 03, 2009

the correlation between the words, Christina, Green and Btch Hill

yesterday morning i call Chris, i have this brilliant idea, as so does she, that we go for our hikes early before "life" happens. so as the great Sophia Petrillo from the Golden Girls would say.... "picture this !!!) a cool morning, everything brown or "dead" from last week, is now green. hiking up onto a small little mountain, new blossoms, new air, new energy....... it was an awesome morning. I have been avoiding my Conemaugh trail for some time because there is no way to get there but UP.. and then up some more, i just wasn't prepared to do the UP part. I don't know why i changed my mind, maybe it was the day before doctors apt that i was informed.... that i could start doing more, or maybe i am just plain silly. Christina was hilarious, and talk about mindfulness.... that was her " oh look at the johnny jump ups, look at that perfect dogwood tree blossom,. oh look at those beautiful flowers growing from beneath the rock and slate........." if her head could of spun in a 360 it would have...... she looked up and down, and left and right..... how many times she stretched her arms out soaring like a bird, or an airplane, not sure which..... I never noticed the different sounds of so many birds, obviously Chris didn't either. 2 40 + year old women......... leaving their chronological age behind....... to hike the trail as carefree children........
for those who know what trail I am talking about, to get to the top of many trials you have to hike UPHILL(Btch Hill), forever , or a 1/4 of a mile, it just feels like forever, I have made it up a few times many many years ago without stopping. but not in the past 5 years....... so i take a deep breath, and i begin walking.... break needed......... up ......up.........up.......... well i might need a break, but no .......up .........up............up........ just a few more ups.......... and Christina gave me a high five.... I DID IT. i was quite surprised how strong i felt, how much strength i kept even with a surgery mixed in the middle. so i had this brilliant Idea that we do what I call a figure 8 hike... so we continued on our way....... ended up on the trail down by the river, hike back up to the "Hill" and then re trace a few of our steps heading towards the river again...but take a sharp right onto another trail that takes us up to the second and highest level. now here is another hill, different as the last one, but just as deadly... this hill is shorter but VERY steep..... walking up this hill literally burns the muscles in your legs.... Chris headed before me....... i had to wait, take a deep breath..... and mentally face this.... i made it half way up..... stopped for only 15 seconds, and finished to the top.......... another success....... we hiked 4.5 miles yesterday morning..... and yes maybe my legs were like jello most of the day, but oh so worth it..... wonder if Christina will go with me again...
Today is a Johnny work out....... maybe church.......... but the rest of the day......... nothing....
I am feeling so good after my first adjustment/ and already on day 3 i notice my weight......flying off again... i'll officially post on Tuesday when i will next weigh in.
Have a beautiful day

this is the day that the Lord Hath made, I will rejoice and be glad in it.

Saturday, May 02, 2009

Wow, can't beleive it....

okay yesterday for dinner i had that 1/2 cup of Ricotta "soup". it DID fill me up, and i didn't get that hungry feeling the rest of the evening. They say the mornings i may "feel" more tight~ and have more of a difficulty swallowing, it isn't so much that the passage way gets tighter, the digestive system is slower in the morning, so the movement of the food passing is slower too. i do notice i am burping a little more after i eat or drink..... so we shall see. I let Johnny know that he can officially start working my abdominal muscles again..... and he can s~l~o~w~l~y increase my workout again. Dr. Mike (the PA that works for Dr. Courcoulas) is so nice and spends so much time talking and answering questions, and i must give him an A + for his ability to do a lap band adjustment. This journey continues to go so well for me, I know that anytime i may have a complication, but i am not worried, for now things are going textbook perfect. and I continue Thanking God, for seeing me through it. You know, for instance when i started my job, (as i do all jobs i start) i got nervous wondering if i could figure it out..... and i always do! But still, it was a worry for me.

Friday, May 01, 2009

First LAPBAND adjustment/fill

and i must say NOTHING to it....... the Doctor tells me to do a crunch so he can located the port, numbs the area, and puts this special dull needle directly into the center of it........ he inserted 5 cc's of normal saline, being this was my first fill, has me drink water continuously for about 5 minutes...... all went well........and i was done!!!! no pain AT ALL... . when i got home, i tried pudding ( he told me i didn't have to do liquids, just soft for 2 days then sun resume normal foods. For supper tonight i had 1/2 cup of Ricotta soup... ......and i tolerated it just fine, i must admit, that there is something "mental" about having the fill done though, and i somehow imagine that i am blocked...... but of course i am not or i'd of been tossing what i ate already..... wow it it hit me, I am full... not uncomfortable or in pain.......... lets see how long it last...... well Katie is doing okay....... she's a little bored, so i am going to take her for a little ride...
might come on and chat later, Kellie, i missed your call, i'll prob try you this evening........ if i can't get a hold of you , I'll try you this weekend
God is Good all the time.......