Tuesday, September 29, 2009



Ahhh, my 18 year old son all grown up! He has matured so quickly these past few months alone. This is the same boy that had the major concussion that kept him out of school his tenth grade year, the same boy that just a few months ago had is facial bones totally redone. all if well for him right now. he does what they call duel enrollment. between school and college. He wants to attend IUP, a college twenty minutes away. He is the opposite of Katie, and He and His brother are polar opposites as far as personalities are concerned. He's overly cautious, studies alot, more serious, worries alot. He has never been in trouble at school. and He was voted "Most Dependable" in his senior class. Katie is twenty, and she just now thinks she may have an idea what she just might want to do. Her grade were good. her study habits bad. and then there is Sammy, as i like to call him Eeyore from Winnie the Pooh. he goes his own pace, his voice is the same whether he is happy, angry or sad. He loves life. His grades are pretty good, and if they aren't, then too bad!!! He is mister social butterfly. and we are trying to help him learn little better study habits. Sammy will never have an ulcer, or stress related hair loss. Sammy is just that Sammy.

So I raised all three kids, same home, same situations.........and they are all so different. And the biggest thing that I have done, is Love them for those differences. I want my kids to love who they are, and what moment of life they are in no matter what the circumstance is. Andrew gets straight A's, GREAT, Sammy gets B's and C's, GREAT. There was some talking behind my back, that someone was disgusted about the kind of parent I am. cause Katie took a semester off, and i shouldn't have let her. Well hello she was almost 20 i couldn't make her. oh i wanted her to stay in school... but i learned a long time ago, the only person i can control is me. I don't value a life by their degree, or their social economical position, or the money they make. and If Katie would be happy working where she does now..... and she gives that job 100% then GREAT. as it happens, as soon as everyone "backed off" and stopped telling her what she should do. two weeks into school she is ready to go back to college. actually she is excited about it, and will start full time in January. actually it looks like Andrew and Katie will be taking the same nutrition class this winter.....

I wanted to take a minute on todays blog and talk about my other kids. My prodigal son has taken too much of my energy this past year or two. and i've been in a funk lately cause i do miss him, but enjoy the peace, and then I remembered i have 3 more kids that willingly without complaint made room for this lost boy over 5 years ago. and NEVER did they once complain or wish him gone. now that Corey did decide to leave, my youngest Son, then and only then spoke up about some difficulties. and that is why it has to stay this way.

There are changes on the horizon, financially we are treading water okay. my hours are temporarily cut back alot, something to do with Medicare, No budget for PA yet, and all that. it has hit our office hard. because Mental Health is sadly the first to go. But as usual i am figuring God knows why.... now i am back to having more time for the gym, and hikes, I have 75 more pounds ish to lose yet......... so i'd like to do that by next year at this time if possible. I am feeling good though, Allergies are acting up, but i am not even close to how i felt two years ago. i am stronger, and in much better shape. Chris and I hit the gym today, Hike tomorrow, Gym with Johnny Thursday, and i will try to get Chris out for a hike Friday morning. I know she will be busy getting everything ready for Paige's first Birthday party

Oh and Monday i go to Pittsburgh for my 6th month evaluation for the "Study" that I am in. I'll be seeing these people for the next 2 years........ what a commitment on my part.

And Last but NOT least. Nathan, I am praying so hard for you little man, you are in my thoughts all the time............You are a true Hero.

Thursday, September 24, 2009

spider web

it never once crossed my mind to not do my morning hike, well maybe it crossed it once..... and we even did the longer 4 mile trail. the air was so heavy, i had a tough time breathing, but i did well, funny with just a mile to go and after completing the second pretty good hill, I decide to take two puffs of my inhaler~ and why did i wait, i was thinking that, i was breathing heavy and coughing and hacking cause i am still a little out of shape, nope, it was because my exercise induced asthma kicked in. I rarely get asthma attacks any more, but i think the cold i have, increase in allergies i am experiencing, the stress i have been under and the weather, just wasn't the greatest combination!!!
tomorrow is class all day, and then i'm going to stay after and clean, because Saturday is Andrew's football game. Saturday afternoon, i'll do the mother in law thing, Sunday morning i am supposed to get company........... and of course the Johnny work out in the morning..... so maybe i'll schedule some get rest and heal time Sunday evening
well big break here, so i think i'll just post this now

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

~~~Head congestion~~~

This is overlooking the Conemaugh River early this morning, the fog was just beginning to lift, there is a yellow/orange tint just beginning to contrast against the blue sky.... still mostly green, just a tint of other color now.
Christina and I have been doing really well this week, 2 work outs at the gym. and two hikes one 4 miles and one 3 miles, we really need to get in one more hike before Sunday...... maybe Saturday morning will work. maybe even tomorrow morning even if it is a 3 mile one, maybe both......wait, am i confusing last weeks hike with this weeks hikes...... do we need two more hikes in before Sunday??? oh i am so confused.
I am so tired, and i have so much congestion in my head, i am pretty sure it is allergy related, cause, my eyes are watery, the drainage is clear/white from my nose, but i am starting to cough, but i believe it is from the irritation of all the drainage that i am experiencing, and sneezing, my i am sneezing so much.
the next few days will be very busy...... with work, class, football games and cleaning...... i'll look forward to my next few days off. you know i did run a low grade fever over the weekend... and i am really really tired...... hmmm, guess i will keep an eye on things.
well i think i am going to say goodnight for now......
Kellie you and your family are in my prayers, could you please send me via email your daughters address........... i'd appreciate it. Tell Nathan two crazy country woman are praying for him all the time.... the other crazy woman is Christina of course.

Monday, September 21, 2009

really, i haven't been alone all this time

i realize that i haven't been blogging much lately, but just because i've been so busy. it starts thursday morning.... go to work, leave work go directly to Sam's game come home, go to bed, go early to work/ i am in class for the next 5 fridays Learning DBT training. go directly to Andrews game come home go to bed, get up go clean the office, come home get a shower, leave to do the Mother in law routine, get groceries, etc...... come home and collapse. Sunday Christina and I went to see Johnny. ( oh Sat in the middle of the night i got a call from a neighbor, who needed me to check her out). So Sunday i was feeling really crappy, sore sore throat, sinus pressure, low grade fever...... every muscle in my body was aching...... just wanted to sleep, did manage to do some house work, make my regular sunday brunch, as well as a nice supper. today i was shot dead.......... Katie and i got the house in order and i went to bed, and drank tons of fluids, and i mean tons........ then i peed alot, and i mean alot. I feel a little better this evening then yesterday. but i think i will still go to bed early tonight and read a little. and drink some more.
I am still bothered by Corey, but i find i go longer periods without thinking about all of this. I am trying to deal with the lies he is telling people, and trying not to take it so personally. You see Cor wanted to leave to go stay at his best friends house, so when he was able to go.......... his best friends home didn't have "room" for him. so then he wanted to come back. but in the process we found proof that he never stopped the very bad stuff that crashed my computer, that lost him his cell phone, and that is when my youngest son told us that he had different "personalities" when adults weren't around, and begged us not to bring him back in...... so it is a tough lesson for the boy, but honestly.........He will not learn from it........... it's just that when he gets older, it will get him in trouble, and that is what is sad, it will all catch up with him someday.
Bill is feeling better, but still feeling stressed from his family situation. but Bill is going to have to figure out how to deal with it........ i can't "make" him stress free.
So i have not had the whole week of "ALONE " time, ......... what would i do with a week of alone time??? not sure i'd like it, i'd miss my family and friends...
blessings to all

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

>|< alone

Today, Bill is at work, boys at school, Katie at work......... and i am finding myself all alone. now don't get me wrong, i love my family, i love people........ but i love 'alone' time too. not sure when i had a day like this last, i think i'd even tell Christina to stay away, and Chris is one person i NEVER mind dropping in., I've been up since before the kids left for school, and i am doing some extra cleaning....... so that later this morning, I can take naps , watch old movies, read a book.......
Bill had his stress test yesterday, and not sure yet, but it may have come from a medication he was taken for his shoulders.
I've still had some total sleepless nights, and I wish i could say that my thoughts about Corey are "all gone". but to be honest, they are not. The house is so much more peaceful, and i know that i can't bring him back. but i just don't stop loving him..... i go through periods of ...... just wanting to shake him until he gets some sense in his head, and there are times i just want to hug him as tight as I can...... and i can have both of those emotions in the span of one minute. He is still manipulating, still not dealing, still a troubled boy........ the only thing that will change him is the Grace of God.
Yesterday my nephew turned 20 in Heaven, he crossed my mind all day. and i've prayed for his family.... I know Katie was a little melancholy yesterday, and i knew why........she loves her cousins. it is hard to believe it will be two years this November, since Alex left this Earth. sometimes time stand still, and sometimes it travels so fast that if you blink you miss it. Albert left almost 11 years ago. I now have been away from him longer than i was married to him. Bill and I have been married 8 years. Sammy lived with his dad for 4 years, and Bill for double that. wow, but nothing but numbers here......... Today i am at a good place in my life, and although there are these road blocks, and issues.......... i am loving the path i've traveled...... i am loving my kids at this exact age......
Well i don't plan on hanging out here on the computer all day, so i need to get my butt moving, plan on making some Iced green tea, with a hint of red raspberry white tea...... it is funny, i now drink my tea unsweetened, can't stand sweetened tea now...... sugar or sugar substitute. it is so refreshing., i want to scrub the kitchen floor....... and finish cleaning the refrigerator.......
have a great day and may God Bless You all.

Sunday, September 13, 2009

our family corn husker

"okay take the corn in my paws and tear downward"

"i'm almost there, i see the yellow stuff now"
"ahh done at last, but should I have eaten the yellow stuff or not"

For the record, Katie is upset that we call this the "family" dog, since Izzy is all Katie's~~~~ so she says. aren't these pictures just too cute. this dog is so bad, so funny, and such a joy. She is very protective of 'her' family. and is always on alert when some one is visiting the home who she does't know. she isn't aggressive the least, but she is forever watching and checking on Us. I know with out a doubt, she would die trying to save any one of Us. She is a one family dog 100% of the time.
I've had such a long hectic few days.......... and i am exhausted. Bill ended up in the hospital last night........ severe chest pain that hit him after 3 days of "heart burn" that he was popping antacids like jelly beans at Easter. They do think the pain was coming from the heart, as the nitro they gave him seemed to control the pain rather quickly. He did NOT have any heart attack yet......... this may have been a warning that he needed, as his dad had his first heart attack at 43 and his mom has had heart disease since she was in her forties. he was allowed to come home today with the stipulation he does nothing until his scheduled stress test for tomorrow at some time.
The kids are doing well and enjoying the peaceful house. didn't realize my prodigal was causing so much tension, didn't even realize i was spending entire days in my bedroom just to stay away from the moods. oh i love him, there is no doubt. and suddenly he seems to think our house was the best place he has ever been, guess he told his friends mom that i was the best mom he had ( he's had 11). Sadly because of the issues with my youngest, and the other kids, i can't bring him back regardless, besides, i know he is a master in manipulation, and he doesn't want to come back here, other than he had more freedom here than he has where he is at now. He's manipulating his friends family, and i see it, i see it cause i went through it....... but they have to learn for themselves, He thought he'd move in with his best friend, but that backfired..... in a big way, they don't have room for him, and that is the only other reason that he wants to come back here. In the five years he lived here, he never once respected any of our rules. he didn't show it outwardly, he is extremely passive aggressive..... and just quietly disobeyed our rules, over and over and over and over again., Every drawer i go through, every box i pack i find proof of everything he denied, things he blamed Andrew for, found proof it was him........ and gee only been through one of 4 dressers
Today My Andrew is 18 I now officially have two adult children and one teenager......... when did this happen? He is maturing at a very fast rate.........
Well it is a beautiful day......... and no matter how difficult this past week or two has been.... i am blessed, i am so blessed

Saturday, September 12, 2009

Not, Not and Not

Okay here it is out on the table, this past week, i have NOT exercised like i should, i have NOT ate like i should and i have NOT meditated/prayed like i should. i just don't feel the greatest right now, my goodness stress CAN make you sick.... this has been a busy week at work too. Thursday was a conference dinner, and yesterday i spent all day at a conference, dealing with mental health...... the theme was transforming trauma to wellness. some very interesting topics, but got home just in time to go to Drew's football game. i am up early this morning to head over to the office to clean. Although like i said i am certain of my decision with My son Corey, it still has really taken a toll on my heart, thoughts, and spirit. and being on the roller coaster of emotions has made my head spin. i am so dizzy, and i am ready to get off this damn ride. my stomach is tied up in knots, so i can go a long time without eating, and then i try to eat the wrong stuff too fast, and get uncomfortable, and the only time i seem to eat okay is by the end of the day, when things have "loosened" up a little. I think the weekend i am going to basic soft, protein shake pureed fruits........ Johnny is on vacation until this coming Monday~ but i think i will start with some hiking again..... that way i am working my body as well as my spirit. After i clean the house today, i plan on going and taking care of Bills mom, get some groceries, and then i think i just want to concentrate on me for the next 3 . hahaha...... that's funny like that will happen, but one can hope........ well i gotta go get my booty moven.
oh Patti, ........... Happy Birthday. Katie told me a dozen times, and i never made it over to call or write you, just know i was thinking about you and i love ya , you're my sis.

Wednesday, September 09, 2009


It's like fire and ice, honey and vinegar, yin and yang, Andrew like wearing dress shirts and ties and sammy likes wearing band t shirts, non matching socks and plaid shorts. and when I say non matching socks....... i'm not talking subtle differences..... i am talking a black sock and a white sock. Andrew must make good grades, study hard, and have everything organized the night before. he is in what they call duel enrollment this year..... 1/2 day of high school, and 1/2 day of college. Sammy thinks it is just great that he now will bring a school book home, and it does help to strengthen his arms, and if he'd just open it, we'd be getting somewhere. Two brothers so opposite, and so incredible close, always have been, they are 3 years apart in age, but age doesn't matter. I remember when andrew got injured pretty bad a few years ago, Sam slept on his bedroom floor 'just to keep an eye on him'. Andrew will be 18 next week, and Sam will be 15 the end of December.....
I was going to again blog about my other son, because it is the last thing i think about when i fall asleep, and it is the first thing i think about when i wake up.. but as i sat here this morning talking to the boys before school, i just couldn't help notice how different they were dressed. and i was reminded that all my energy can't go to the Prodigal.... I don't think i am as angry as i was, but i will say i am finding it harder than i thought. I KNOW he can't come back, i know i've given him a million options in the past five years, I know that my boys would leave, my husband would leave if i brought the disrespect and tension back into this home. I KNOW i am doing the right thing. i know that it was a fluke that we found the disturbing things that we did in his room,... which gave me the 100% knowledge that i had to do what i had to do. but it doesn't make it easier...... i can't help but worry about him, my goodness he is my son. and has been for five years.....i don't have a switch that i can turn off and on...... instead i analyze, feel, cry, get angry, rinse and repeat.
Andrew has a game tonight, love friday night football. I am hoping that i can enjoy a day off next week.... these past two weeks have been so hellish and busy~ a day to myself would be so nice. well I have to get a few things done, work today, and i have a feeling it is going to be very busy day. Tomorrow i have a dinner to go to and friday i have a day long conference to attend and then the game, and Sat i will go and clean......... maybe after that i will hole up in the house , and read a book..........maybe.
Have a nice day today .........

Tuesday, September 08, 2009


I am so tired, so why is it that I can't sleep right now? it is 3am, and i should be sleeping. I tried to write a letter to C, but i can't. I am too angry. too angry at what was given to this boy, to angry about how he has never respected me, this family, this home. angry at him for destroying my computer with his trash, angry at his lies, angry at his fakeness........angry angry angry. Angry that i "fought" for him, fought with Bill . angry that i trusted him over and over and over again...... until finally after this past year...... i came to terms that C would always lie to me, and C would continue to go behind my back.... Angry that I might not have protected my family enough. Angry that C had the life he had, angry at the system for not saving him before it was too late. Angry at him cause i am sick from being upset. Angry at him cause now my husband will never take in another foster child. Angry that my youngest child felt bullied, that I was told that "C" was "different" when i wasn't around......... mean...... moody....... Angry that my other boys spent the past year and a half hiding away in their bedrooms because they didn't want to be around the "moods" of their brother of 5 years any longer. I am angry at myself that i couldn't "fix" this child that the world messed up so bad I am angry at myself for being angry., gee i think i liked the period of sadness, even shock and denial better than this "season of anger", but i am going with this emotion.......... and obviously i am going with it pretty damn good.. I have faith in God, that He is with me in this walk~ and i know as i know as i know, that I will come to terms. But over the years I've learned to feel what i am feeling, and not try to control or minimize my emotions. for my blog readers I ask for patience, as you go down this path with me. my blog is very therapeutic for me...... who knows i might have to blog all about sadness again. but i will say this, even in this anger.......this very strong anger........ i still have an incredible sense of Peace too. The Peace comes from knowing that God knows what He is doing, and this is playing out this way for a very important reason.... is it the path that C needs? I don't know. it could be the peace that my other boys need, my marriage needs, I need. I may never know, and i don't need to know, Knowing that God sent C to me, and knowing God is in control of the letting C go......... that is all I need right now. Maybe if i lived alone, or had a husband on the exact same page, i could handle problem children. But i don't and I MUST protect the rest of my family. The relief my kids are feeling, the lack of stress and drama... answers the question, am i doing the right thing?
Health wise, i am doing okay. dropping lots of weight fast, but in a not good way. i didn't eat for 3 days...... the stomach "stirring" wasn't good for me. I did finally eat sunday and monday..... but i'm not sure if this all can hurt my band.... because with the band........ I MUST PAY ATTENTION!!!, and it hasn't been a priority for me. I do know i've been wearing Jeans for a few days..... haven't worn jeans in prob 6 or 7 years. I know that next monday i head down to Pittsburgh again for a few hours, will get a monitor to wear, a diary to write in, a million questions to answer, photos to be taken......... should be interesting.
Well it is now after 4 am. think i'll write C that letter when i am in the "sympathy or understanding " phase...... so i'll go crawl in bed and try to sleep. Thank you for listening. and please pray, or send the good vibes....... to ALL of my children........ i'd sure appreciate it.

Monday, September 07, 2009


so many stages of grief, grief isn't just about death, you grieve a lost job, a marriage, a friendship, and about a hundred other things. I am dealing with the issue of letting my son....... let himself go from this family. grieving isn't cut and dried...... i go through sadness, anger, sadness again acceptance, anger..... and this is how i deal with this, I analyze, and relive, and yes even feeling guilty or thinking if i did this! if i stopped that!, maybe things would be different. Many say "don't feel guilt, this isn't your fault" and i understand that, but i know that i have to work through that emotion, so that i am dealing with this in a healthy matter. I know that bottom line, He is almost 18, and he is the only one that can be responsible for his action. and all I can do is hope and pray that i taught him a few skills to deal with what is a head of him, and as he matures hopefully he'll open up. HE NEVER HAS , had a councilor for 9 years, and he never once was honest with him, his hurts are deep, and locked in. and actually when we decided to bring his long term counselor back...... his comment was..... bring him back, i know what he wants to hear. Just as he said in an office full of people last week, He has a switch, and he KNOWS how to turn it on and off............. sounds scary to me,
My son never followed a rule...........NEVER, he was just really good at sneaking, and i caught him everytime........ but things are deep, more complex, and i can't even put in a blog what we found, and how sneaky he has been. But at least this stuff has given me peace in knowing i've made the right decision....And he WILL NOT BE COMING BACK!! if he can do what he did with me watching him, there is no way i can control him when he turns 18. My youngest son is so worried we will bring him back. he said he doesn't want him back......... he isn't angry, but he'd have to move with his dad. He's been cleaning like crazy, doing all of Corey's chores, so that i will see, that he will take his old responsibilities, plus his own. He is only 14, he has every right to be comfortable in his own home....... there isn't even a thought in my mind to change this situation. before friday...... i was still feeling turmoil, after Bill found a few more things, I felt anger........and then it was like God let us find this stuff, so that we could see other issues, so that we knew what we have done was the correct thing....
So in all of this, I can truly say.......... there is peace, even when i am angry, i feel a peace, when i am sad, i feel a peace.......... and for those reading this think.......boys will be boys......... i can assure you there wasn't anything......... normal about the situation! I know boys, and heck i may find a crumbled up playboy photo in one of my son's room....... normal behavior, they'd still have some consequence, because it is still MY home~ and it wouldn't be tolerated. I do not even allow my boys to have pin up girly posters, even in bikini's to be hung up in my house...... oh well!!! at least i know why my computer crashed, why Katie's computer crashed,...... what my ink was used so quickly this summer,........ and how an 18 year old boy COULD NOT BE LEFT ALONE.....
Thank you all for the comments, and private emails and such. it truly helped me.... is helping me through this process .
just thought i'd give you an update. Have a nice day.

Friday, September 04, 2009

Heart breaking..........

without getting into this too much, my life has been pretty hectic lately, and overwhelming sometime. Having trouble with one of my boys, has been a constant battle getting him to understand that the .........grass is not greener on the other side of the fence! He is almost 18, and i just can't tolerate the threats ......" if you are going to get involved when i do something wrong, if you don't leave me alone...... i am leaving!" there is sooooooooo much more to this story, but bottom line. I will not get disrespected in my home, by a cocky kid. So the option was stay, follow the family rules or suffer the consequences. He did not take that option~ so off he goes! I wish wish wish, I could have let this go. just trying to keep the boy out of jail in a few months. when he turns 18. Doesn't understand, won't even talk, I am tired, I am tired of keeping peace with my husband who isn't nearly as patient as me, trying to keep the other kids comfortable during this "outburst" of thick tension, which has happened more and more frequently as my one son gets closer to 18. the older he gets the more i can see he is testing the boundaries, in a way which i have lost control. He did this before, ....... it is like clock work! He finds a BEST friend, he hangs out at their house, he wants to live there, cause it is a perfect place, Because of my son's history, He has gone from home to home, we were his 9th home (five years ago). If he doesn't like a rule, or has an issue, he shuts down......and obviously works quite well in getting kicked out...... it is history with him, it is sad. most homes he didn't last a year...... a little boy, going from home to home to home.......... a really good boy with issues so deep, it will take years, if he'd let it, to get to them. We've been through this cycle about a dozen times, but he was always young enough, that i could get control and diffuse the situation. Now that he is almost 18, he is itching for freedom....... a new BEST friend, and a new honeymoon, a new best family in the world, and he wants to go there. He was so mean, yelling at me, ....... telling me he wasn't staying....... he's out of here............ I called his bluff........ we had a meeting with counselors, principal, case works, my last ditch effort to keep him....... once he started talking all of our jaws dropped, some in the meeting never saw the less than perfect side of this sweet boy.... and then he said........... " I have a switch, and i know how to use it". he's a charmer, beautiful smile, knows what to say, knows what people want to hear. I HAD to let him go, I have to work on this, I have other children that are tired of the drama, they stay away, stay at their dad's, stay in their rooms, cause they don't know the mood he's in. My other 18 year old son is furious that his "MOM has been so disrespected. My husband is angry that i spent yet another sleepless night tossing and turning, crying. My husband is tougher than me, and in the spring when my son did this again.....exact same thing, just different best friend and best friends family.. i got down on my knees and begged him not to go......... i remember he got in my face yelling at me... send me away send me away..... egging me on, my husband was so mad i tolerated that., he said when it happened this time.......if i didn't do something about it......... he'd leave.
I want you to know this precious boy is so stubborn, he doesn't understand the consequences... he'd cut his nose off to spite his face, BUT he is weeks away from being 18, his life sucked.. but only he can decide if he wants to work beyond that, I Love him. but i cannot sell my soul, sacrifice my husband, my other children, I cannot sacrifice myself, my peace for this. He is my son......... he lived here five years!.......... hopefully when he matures, he'll understand....... he'll come and visit bring his kids......... My brothers are devastated, they love him so much..... Can this be resolved? maybe? He is very very stubborn, so i could bring him back, pretty sure the tension will be there for a long long time. BUT right now my youngest son is begging for peace, begging to not bring the tension back, he's only 14. My husband is so frustrated and angry and sad. Bill is not the biological father to my children as you know...... nor was he the biological son to my "prodigal son". So there isn't even the excuse that this son was not blood related.
My spirit will settle, and i will find peace, it will take a little time, a lot of thinking, a lot of guilt to work through, a lot of praying, a lot of tears, and yes this will be mixed in with tons of relief, that the stress is gone right now. But i KNOW as I KNOW as I KNOW. ...... God sees the entire picture, God sent Corey to me...... I got him through his teen years........ i kept him in the same school district....... Seeds have been planted...... I may never see the fruits, But i have to trust that God will take care of the seeds that I sowed, I pray that God will care for this boy, this sweet spirit. I DO NOT regret taking my son out of the foster system. and i too must understand, an 18 year old boy tired of rules, and boundaries isn't really that uncommon. I just hope i've taught him enough, and loved him enough..... that his wings are strong enough to Fly. this damn tough love. this is such a long post, but i think putting it in writing is very therapeutic for me. and when i feel such guilt i am reminded of a story about this really really great woman.
She was a daughter of an alcoholic, married an alcoholic, and had an alcoholic son..... when this son was in his early thirties, she kicked him out of the house, he wouldn't work, and was "trashed" most of the time. he left, and spent time living on the streets, stealing from friends, there came a time when he was "sleeping" in the alley dirty, smelly, drunk, crap in his pants, and hungry....... He called home to his mom, can i come home............. She said NO! the son she gave birth to, the baby she held, the cookies she baked for his grade school, the sports she watched him play...... the memories haunted her, and she cried for three days. her heart broken, and bleeding. Why did she do this? she did this because her love for him was stronger than the pain she was feeling. Fast forward many years. That mother died, but not before she saw a glimpse of her harvest, she didn't see it all, but she saw the change, and now she has a front row seat in heaven.......... To see this "gutter drunk" a graduate of college, a high up management position with a company in the safety and science department, a wife, a beautiful home and three beautiful children, a MAN who hasn't touch alcohol in over 10 years, who loves his God and his mom........... this woman was my mother, and this man is my brother!!!