Sadness/Anger/Acceptance

so many stages of grief, grief isn't just about death, you grieve a lost job, a marriage, a friendship, and about a hundred other things. I am dealing with the issue of letting my son....... let himself go from this family. grieving isn't cut and dried...... i go through sadness, anger, sadness again acceptance, anger..... and this is how i deal with this, I analyze, and relive, and yes even feeling guilty or thinking if i did this! if i stopped that!, maybe things would be different. Many say "don't feel guilt, this isn't your fault" and i understand that, but i know that i have to work through that emotion, so that i am dealing with this in a healthy matter. I know that bottom line, He is almost 18, and he is the only one that can be responsible for his action. and all I can do is hope and pray that i taught him a few skills to deal with what is a head of him, and as he matures hopefully he'll open up. HE NEVER HAS , had a councilor for 9 years, and he never once was honest with him, his hurts are deep, and locked in. and actually when we decided to bring his long term counselor back...... his comment was..... bring him back, i know what he wants to hear. Just as he said in an office full of people last week, He has a switch, and he KNOWS how to turn it on and off............. sounds scary to me,
My son never followed a rule...........NEVER, he was just really good at sneaking, and i caught him everytime........ but things are deep, more complex, and i can't even put in a blog what we found, and how sneaky he has been. But at least this stuff has given me peace in knowing i've made the right decision....And he WILL NOT BE COMING BACK!! if he can do what he did with me watching him, there is no way i can control him when he turns 18. My youngest son is so worried we will bring him back. he said he doesn't want him back......... he isn't angry, but he'd have to move with his dad. He's been cleaning like crazy, doing all of Corey's chores, so that i will see, that he will take his old responsibilities, plus his own. He is only 14, he has every right to be comfortable in his own home....... there isn't even a thought in my mind to change this situation. before friday...... i was still feeling turmoil, after Bill found a few more things, I felt anger........and then it was like God let us find this stuff, so that we could see other issues, so that we knew what we have done was the correct thing....
So in all of this, I can truly say.......... there is peace, even when i am angry, i feel a peace, when i am sad, i feel a peace.......... and for those reading this think.......boys will be boys......... i can assure you there wasn't anything......... normal about the situation! I know boys, and heck i may find a crumbled up playboy photo in one of my son's room....... normal behavior, they'd still have some consequence, because it is still MY home~ and it wouldn't be tolerated. I do not even allow my boys to have pin up girly posters, even in bikini's to be hung up in my house...... oh well!!! at least i know why my computer crashed, why Katie's computer crashed,...... what my ink was used so quickly this summer,........ and how an 18 year old boy COULD NOT BE LEFT ALONE.....
Thank you all for the comments, and private emails and such. it truly helped me.... is helping me through this process .
just thought i'd give you an update. Have a nice day.