Friday, September 04, 2009

Heart breaking..........

without getting into this too much, my life has been pretty hectic lately, and overwhelming sometime. Having trouble with one of my boys, has been a constant battle getting him to understand that the .........grass is not greener on the other side of the fence! He is almost 18, and i just can't tolerate the threats ......" if you are going to get involved when i do something wrong, if you don't leave me alone...... i am leaving!" there is sooooooooo much more to this story, but bottom line. I will not get disrespected in my home, by a cocky kid. So the option was stay, follow the family rules or suffer the consequences. He did not take that option~ so off he goes! I wish wish wish, I could have let this go. just trying to keep the boy out of jail in a few months. when he turns 18. Doesn't understand, won't even talk, I am tired, I am tired of keeping peace with my husband who isn't nearly as patient as me, trying to keep the other kids comfortable during this "outburst" of thick tension, which has happened more and more frequently as my one son gets closer to 18. the older he gets the more i can see he is testing the boundaries, in a way which i have lost control. He did this before, ....... it is like clock work! He finds a BEST friend, he hangs out at their house, he wants to live there, cause it is a perfect place, Because of my son's history, He has gone from home to home, we were his 9th home (five years ago). If he doesn't like a rule, or has an issue, he shuts down......and obviously works quite well in getting kicked out...... it is history with him, it is sad. most homes he didn't last a year...... a little boy, going from home to home to home.......... a really good boy with issues so deep, it will take years, if he'd let it, to get to them. We've been through this cycle about a dozen times, but he was always young enough, that i could get control and diffuse the situation. Now that he is almost 18, he is itching for freedom....... a new BEST friend, and a new honeymoon, a new best family in the world, and he wants to go there. He was so mean, yelling at me, ....... telling me he wasn't staying....... he's out of here............ I called his bluff........ we had a meeting with counselors, principal, case works, my last ditch effort to keep him....... once he started talking all of our jaws dropped, some in the meeting never saw the less than perfect side of this sweet boy.... and then he said........... " I have a switch, and i know how to use it". he's a charmer, beautiful smile, knows what to say, knows what people want to hear. I HAD to let him go, I have to work on this, I have other children that are tired of the drama, they stay away, stay at their dad's, stay in their rooms, cause they don't know the mood he's in. My other 18 year old son is furious that his "MOM has been so disrespected. My husband is angry that i spent yet another sleepless night tossing and turning, crying. My husband is tougher than me, and in the spring when my son did this again.....exact same thing, just different best friend and best friends family.. i got down on my knees and begged him not to go......... i remember he got in my face yelling at me... send me away send me away..... egging me on, my husband was so mad i tolerated that., he said when it happened this time.......if i didn't do something about it......... he'd leave.
I want you to know this precious boy is so stubborn, he doesn't understand the consequences... he'd cut his nose off to spite his face, BUT he is weeks away from being 18, his life sucked.. but only he can decide if he wants to work beyond that, I Love him. but i cannot sell my soul, sacrifice my husband, my other children, I cannot sacrifice myself, my peace for this. He is my son......... he lived here five years!.......... hopefully when he matures, he'll understand....... he'll come and visit bring his kids......... My brothers are devastated, they love him so much..... Can this be resolved? maybe? He is very very stubborn, so i could bring him back, pretty sure the tension will be there for a long long time. BUT right now my youngest son is begging for peace, begging to not bring the tension back, he's only 14. My husband is so frustrated and angry and sad. Bill is not the biological father to my children as you know...... nor was he the biological son to my "prodigal son". So there isn't even the excuse that this son was not blood related.
My spirit will settle, and i will find peace, it will take a little time, a lot of thinking, a lot of guilt to work through, a lot of praying, a lot of tears, and yes this will be mixed in with tons of relief, that the stress is gone right now. But i KNOW as I KNOW as I KNOW. ...... God sees the entire picture, God sent Corey to me...... I got him through his teen years........ i kept him in the same school district....... Seeds have been planted...... I may never see the fruits, But i have to trust that God will take care of the seeds that I sowed, I pray that God will care for this boy, this sweet spirit. I DO NOT regret taking my son out of the foster system. and i too must understand, an 18 year old boy tired of rules, and boundaries isn't really that uncommon. I just hope i've taught him enough, and loved him enough..... that his wings are strong enough to Fly. this damn tough love. this is such a long post, but i think putting it in writing is very therapeutic for me. and when i feel such guilt i am reminded of a story about this really really great woman.
She was a daughter of an alcoholic, married an alcoholic, and had an alcoholic son..... when this son was in his early thirties, she kicked him out of the house, he wouldn't work, and was "trashed" most of the time. he left, and spent time living on the streets, stealing from friends, there came a time when he was "sleeping" in the alley dirty, smelly, drunk, crap in his pants, and hungry....... He called home to his mom, can i come home............. She said NO! the son she gave birth to, the baby she held, the cookies she baked for his grade school, the sports she watched him play...... the memories haunted her, and she cried for three days. her heart broken, and bleeding. Why did she do this? she did this because her love for him was stronger than the pain she was feeling. Fast forward many years. That mother died, but not before she saw a glimpse of her harvest, she didn't see it all, but she saw the change, and now she has a front row seat in heaven.......... To see this "gutter drunk" a graduate of college, a high up management position with a company in the safety and science department, a wife, a beautiful home and three beautiful children, a MAN who hasn't touch alcohol in over 10 years, who loves his God and his mom........... this woman was my mother, and this man is my brother!!!

3 comments:

Kim said...

My heart goes out to you, Sandi. This is a sad, sad thing. You're a good mom, always remember that.

Take care.

Chris said...

(((Hugs)))!!!

Jay said...

Sorry to read of your turmoil but I can certainly relate. Whether he turns around or not is entirely up to him. I've known some seriously damaged people in my lifetime. Like scar tissue over a wound they develop and grow coping strategies to cover their emotional scars. Some end up being manipulative and self-destructive, others bottom out and pull themselves back up like your brother. I'm not sure what the answer is but you most certainly have to look out for the interests of your other kids as well as yourself. Sometimes calling their bluff is the right thing to do, even if it means hard times for them.

Even after I was 18 so long as I lived at home mom's overarching rule was "my house & my rules...don't like it? Move." That's normal and expecting anything different because he'll be 18 is unrealistic. (BTW I finally moved out when I was 22. Mom's rules weren't really all that bad but I was still glad to get my own place.)