Tuesday, September 08, 2009

~sleepless

I am so tired, so why is it that I can't sleep right now? it is 3am, and i should be sleeping. I tried to write a letter to C, but i can't. I am too angry. too angry at what was given to this boy, to angry about how he has never respected me, this family, this home. angry at him for destroying my computer with his trash, angry at his lies, angry at his fakeness........angry angry angry. Angry that i "fought" for him, fought with Bill . angry that i trusted him over and over and over again...... until finally after this past year...... i came to terms that C would always lie to me, and C would continue to go behind my back.... Angry that I might not have protected my family enough. Angry that C had the life he had, angry at the system for not saving him before it was too late. Angry at him cause i am sick from being upset. Angry at him cause now my husband will never take in another foster child. Angry that my youngest child felt bullied, that I was told that "C" was "different" when i wasn't around......... mean...... moody....... Angry that my other boys spent the past year and a half hiding away in their bedrooms because they didn't want to be around the "moods" of their brother of 5 years any longer. I am angry at myself that i couldn't "fix" this child that the world messed up so bad I am angry at myself for being angry., gee i think i liked the period of sadness, even shock and denial better than this "season of anger", but i am going with this emotion.......... and obviously i am going with it pretty damn good.. I have faith in God, that He is with me in this walk~ and i know as i know as i know, that I will come to terms. But over the years I've learned to feel what i am feeling, and not try to control or minimize my emotions. for my blog readers I ask for patience, as you go down this path with me. my blog is very therapeutic for me...... who knows i might have to blog all about sadness again. but i will say this, even in this anger.......this very strong anger........ i still have an incredible sense of Peace too. The Peace comes from knowing that God knows what He is doing, and this is playing out this way for a very important reason.... is it the path that C needs? I don't know. it could be the peace that my other boys need, my marriage needs, I need. I may never know, and i don't need to know, Knowing that God sent C to me, and knowing God is in control of the letting C go......... that is all I need right now. Maybe if i lived alone, or had a husband on the exact same page, i could handle problem children. But i don't and I MUST protect the rest of my family. The relief my kids are feeling, the lack of stress and drama... answers the question, am i doing the right thing?
Health wise, i am doing okay. dropping lots of weight fast, but in a not good way. i didn't eat for 3 days...... the stomach "stirring" wasn't good for me. I did finally eat sunday and monday..... but i'm not sure if this all can hurt my band.... because with the band........ I MUST PAY ATTENTION!!!, and it hasn't been a priority for me. I do know i've been wearing Jeans for a few days..... haven't worn jeans in prob 6 or 7 years. I know that next monday i head down to Pittsburgh again for a few hours, will get a monitor to wear, a diary to write in, a million questions to answer, photos to be taken......... should be interesting.
Well it is now after 4 am. think i'll write C that letter when i am in the "sympathy or understanding " phase...... so i'll go crawl in bed and try to sleep. Thank you for listening. and please pray, or send the good vibes....... to ALL of my children........ i'd sure appreciate it.

6 comments:

Patti's Parlor said...

And I'm angry that this is taking such a toll on you ;-(
You did everything you possibly could for him and some day he'll be able to look back and see that. It may be 10 years down the road but some day....
Now tough love and letting go is the only option.
I pray he finds his way and I pray for peace in your family.
Love you g/f.
:xoxo:

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