Tuesday, October 27, 2009

I am experiencing MAJOR......

......... PMS, that with the additional stress, is really making me "not feel well", now i cannot do much about the PMS , but dang it, i need to control the stress level. I have had the beginnings of 3 migraines in the past week. the reason i say beginnings, because i have a medication that works quite well, in stopping the migraine at the "light show" (Maxalt), every muscle in my body is aching, including my finger tips, and ribs. I am retaining fluid like in big way ( and i drink 1/2 gallon to a gallon daily). Any major life changing event good or bad, causes an elevated stress level. and for the past 8 weeks, i did have a major life changing event happen. my problem is letting it go, and now dealing with anger. i am talking about losing my prodigal son. I am going to be honest here, it was a very difficult time for me. BUT i can't help noticing the change in my kids, especially my boys. Andrew asked me yesterday when the prodigal threaten to leave and it got really bad the last time, why did i fight to keep him another 6 months. He said, he is sad that he "lost the last two years of happiness at his home. now this is just an 18 year old boy talking. obviously, now there is nothing i can do to bring that time back, and i told him he needs to chalk it up to life lessons.. and go on. and be thankful that God worked it out that his senior year will be without the issues and hassles that would have occurred if prodigal was here and hating it so much. Here i thought my boys holed up in their room's because it was a stage, not because they were avoiding dealing with the "other brother". I still care what happens to the prodigal, and it is hard not being a mother to him, i spoke with a teacher and his counselor last week, both said he NEEDS structure, he is right now very happy in his new home, the 10th or 11th honeymoon in 10 years. his "new" mom... believes everything he say's, many others including several teachers are catching on. I think he's lived in his new home two weeks and has missed 6 or 7 days of school. His mom said that he is so sick, HOWEVER, he has gone to the movies, gone to the Cav's basketball game, hung out with friends... friday his new caretaker said he was so dizzy he couldn't walk across the room, and then i was shown that he spent several hours on my space downloading 338 cav's game pictures....... I want to say........ get back to school, you've gotta apply yourself, you are in danger of not graduating...... but i cannot... and this is the part that i have to let go..... i know He does this for attention, and i know he is really really dangerously good in manipulating the situation to work for him, he had to as a young boy to survive. he refuses counseling, and i see him falling through the cracks. I want him to graduate, i want him to succeed. He is right though, he has a "switch" and he knows when to use it.. Thank goodness the facility know me, and thank goodness they let me know what he is saying.... i am just lucky that Children and youth aren't knocking on my door, cause he was so abused here.. Andrew and Sam actually have crossed over to Hate, and those who know Sammy, he hates no one............. okay........... now i have decided to let him go, no matter what he does, no matter what he say's. I told Christina to not let me talk about it again........ i have mourned long enough, and now that it is starting to affect my health, it is time to let it go..... I don't need to blog about this anymore, and i plan on NOT blogging about this again. it is time that i give this up to God, and concentrate on the kids at home. but it feels good to write it down.
Today i babysit Carley for a few hours, she isn't hard to watch and honestly she is so darn cute.
...... now back to the PMS, i've been crying over everything, happy things, sad things, stupid things........ i am so pms'y that i am beyond grumpy, i am just laughing at myself, have to, i mean when i have a melt down......... and start yelling because the table cloth is on crooked, and i look at the men in my home........just laughing at me, because i am being ridiculous.... how can i not laugh~!!!! And Jay i put on 4 pounds in 2 days, better than 6 huh !!! ....... hopefully i'll get it all out of my system..... Bill and I are planning on taking a few day's off and getting away. football is over this week, and i need a break!!!
Well i should get going, and finish sweeping. have a great day.......

No comments: