~~~Head congestion~~~

This is overlooking the Conemaugh River early this morning, the fog was just beginning to lift, there is a yellow/orange tint just beginning to contrast against the blue sky.... still mostly green, just a tint of other color now.

Christina and I have been doing really well this week, 2 work outs at the gym. and two hikes one 4 miles and one 3 miles, we really need to get in one more hike before Sunday...... maybe Saturday morning will work. maybe even tomorrow morning even if it is a 3 mile one, maybe both......wait, am i confusing last weeks hike with this weeks hikes...... do we need two more hikes in before Sunday??? oh i am so confused.

I am so tired, and i have so much congestion in my head, i am pretty sure it is allergy related, cause, my eyes are watery, the drainage is clear/white from my nose, but i am starting to cough, but i believe it is from the irritation of all the drainage that i am experiencing, and sneezing, my i am sneezing so much.

the next few days will be very busy...... with work, class, football games and cleaning...... i'll look forward to my next few days off. you know i did run a low grade fever over the weekend... and i am really really tired...... hmmm, guess i will keep an eye on things.

well i think i am going to say goodnight for now......

Kellie you and your family are in my prayers, could you please send me via email your daughters address........... i'd appreciate it. Tell Nathan two crazy country woman are praying for him all the time.... the other crazy woman is Christina of course.

really, i haven't been alone all this time

i realize that i haven't been blogging much lately, but just because i've been so busy. it starts thursday morning.... go to work, leave work go directly to Sam's game come home, go to bed, go early to work/ i am in class for the next 5 fridays Learning DBT training. go directly to Andrews game come home go to bed, get up go clean the office, come home get a shower, leave to do the Mother in law routine, get groceries, etc...... come home and collapse. Sunday Christina and I went to see Johnny. ( oh Sat in the middle of the night i got a call from a neighbor, who needed me to check her out). So Sunday i was feeling really crappy, sore sore throat, sinus pressure, low grade fever...... every muscle in my body was aching...... just wanted to sleep, did manage to do some house work, make my regular sunday brunch, as well as a nice supper. today i was shot dead.......... Katie and i got the house in order and i went to bed, and drank tons of fluids, and i mean tons........ then i peed alot, and i mean alot. I feel a little better this evening then yesterday. but i think i will still go to bed early tonight and read a little. and drink some more.
I am still bothered by Corey, but i find i go longer periods without thinking about all of this. I am trying to deal with the lies he is telling people, and trying not to take it so personally. You see Cor wanted to leave to go stay at his best friends house, so when he was able to go.......... his best friends home didn't have "room" for him. so then he wanted to come back. but in the process we found proof that he never stopped the very bad stuff that crashed my computer, that lost him his cell phone, and that is when my youngest son told us that he had different "personalities" when adults weren't around, and begged us not to bring him back in...... so it is a tough lesson for the boy, but honestly.........He will not learn from it........... it's just that when he gets older, it will get him in trouble, and that is what is sad, it will all catch up with him someday.
Bill is feeling better, but still feeling stressed from his family situation. but Bill is going to have to figure out how to deal with it........ i can't "make" him stress free.
So i have not had the whole week of "ALONE " time, ......... what would i do with a week of alone time??? not sure i'd like it, i'd miss my family and friends...
blessings to all

>|< alone

Today, Bill is at work, boys at school, Katie at work......... and i am finding myself all alone. now don't get me wrong, i love my family, i love people........ but i love 'alone' time too. not sure when i had a day like this last, i think i'd even tell Christina to stay away, and Chris is one person i NEVER mind dropping in., I've been up since before the kids left for school, and i am doing some extra cleaning....... so that later this morning, I can take naps , watch old movies, read a book.......
Bill had his stress test yesterday, and not sure yet, but it may have come from a medication he was taken for his shoulders.
I've still had some total sleepless nights, and I wish i could say that my thoughts about Corey are "all gone". but to be honest, they are not. The house is so much more peaceful, and i know that i can't bring him back. but i just don't stop loving him..... i go through periods of ...... just wanting to shake him until he gets some sense in his head, and there are times i just want to hug him as tight as I can...... and i can have both of those emotions in the span of one minute. He is still manipulating, still not dealing, still a troubled boy........ the only thing that will change him is the Grace of God.
Yesterday my nephew turned 20 in Heaven, he crossed my mind all day. and i've prayed for his family.... I know Katie was a little melancholy yesterday, and i knew why........she loves her cousins. it is hard to believe it will be two years this November, since Alex left this Earth. sometimes time stand still, and sometimes it travels so fast that if you blink you miss it. Albert left almost 11 years ago. I now have been away from him longer than i was married to him. Bill and I have been married 8 years. Sammy lived with his dad for 4 years, and Bill for double that. wow, but nothing but numbers here......... Today i am at a good place in my life, and although there are these road blocks, and issues.......... i am loving the path i've traveled...... i am loving my kids at this exact age......
Well i don't plan on hanging out here on the computer all day, so i need to get my butt moving, plan on making some Iced green tea, with a hint of red raspberry white tea...... it is funny, i now drink my tea unsweetened, can't stand sweetened tea now...... sugar or sugar substitute. it is so refreshing., i want to scrub the kitchen floor....... and finish cleaning the refrigerator.......
have a great day and may God Bless You all.

our family corn husker

"okay take the corn in my paws and tear downward"

"i'm almost there, i see the yellow stuff now"

"ahh done at last, but should I have eaten the yellow stuff or not"

For the record, Katie is upset that we call this the "family" dog, since Izzy is all Katie's~~~~ so she says. aren't these pictures just too cute. this dog is so bad, so funny, and such a joy. She is very protective of 'her' family. and is always on alert when some one is visiting the home who she does't know. she isn't aggressive the least, but she is forever watching and checking on Us. I know with out a doubt, she would die trying to save any one of Us. She is a one family dog 100% of the time.
I've had such a long hectic few days.......... and i am exhausted. Bill ended up in the hospital last night........ severe chest pain that hit him after 3 days of "heart burn" that he was popping antacids like jelly beans at Easter. They do think the pain was coming from the heart, as the nitro they gave him seemed to control the pain rather quickly. He did NOT have any heart attack yet......... this may have been a warning that he needed, as his dad had his first heart attack at 43 and his mom has had heart disease since she was in her forties. he was allowed to come home today with the stipulation he does nothing until his scheduled stress test for tomorrow at some time.
The kids are doing well and enjoying the peaceful house. didn't realize my prodigal was causing so much tension, didn't even realize i was spending entire days in my bedroom just to stay away from the moods. oh i love him, there is no doubt. and suddenly he seems to think our house was the best place he has ever been, guess he told his friends mom that i was the best mom he had ( he's had 11). Sadly because of the issues with my youngest, and the other kids, i can't bring him back regardless, besides, i know he is a master in manipulation, and he doesn't want to come back here, other than he had more freedom here than he has where he is at now. He's manipulating his friends family, and i see it, i see it cause i went through it....... but they have to learn for themselves, He thought he'd move in with his best friend, but that backfired..... in a big way, they don't have room for him, and that is the only other reason that he wants to come back here. In the five years he lived here, he never once respected any of our rules. he didn't show it outwardly, he is extremely passive aggressive..... and just quietly disobeyed our rules, over and over and over and over again., Every drawer i go through, every box i pack i find proof of everything he denied, things he blamed Andrew for, found proof it was him........ and gee only been through one of 4 dressers
Today My Andrew is 18 I now officially have two adult children and one teenager......... when did this happen? He is maturing at a very fast rate.........
Well it is a beautiful day......... and no matter how difficult this past week or two has been.... i am blessed, i am so blessed

Not, Not and Not

Okay here it is out on the table, this past week, i have NOT exercised like i should, i have NOT ate like i should and i have NOT meditated/prayed like i should. i just don't feel the greatest right now, my goodness stress CAN make you sick.... this has been a busy week at work too. Thursday was a conference dinner, and yesterday i spent all day at a conference, dealing with mental health...... the theme was transforming trauma to wellness. some very interesting topics, but got home just in time to go to Drew's football game. i am up early this morning to head over to the office to clean. Although like i said i am certain of my decision with My son Corey, it still has really taken a toll on my heart, thoughts, and spirit. and being on the roller coaster of emotions has made my head spin. i am so dizzy, and i am ready to get off this damn ride. my stomach is tied up in knots, so i can go a long time without eating, and then i try to eat the wrong stuff too fast, and get uncomfortable, and the only time i seem to eat okay is by the end of the day, when things have "loosened" up a little. I think the weekend i am going to basic soft, protein shake pureed fruits........ Johnny is on vacation until this coming Monday~ but i think i will start with some hiking again..... that way i am working my body as well as my spirit. After i clean the house today, i plan on going and taking care of Bills mom, get some groceries, and then i think i just want to concentrate on me for the next 3 . hahaha...... that's funny like that will happen, but one can hope........ well i gotta go get my booty moven.
oh Patti, ........... Happy Birthday. Katie told me a dozen times, and i never made it over to call or write you, just know i was thinking about you and i love ya , you're my sis.

Brothers

It's like fire and ice, honey and vinegar, yin and yang, Andrew like wearing dress shirts and ties and sammy likes wearing band t shirts, non matching socks and plaid shorts. and when I say non matching socks....... i'm not talking subtle differences..... i am talking a black sock and a white sock. Andrew must make good grades, study hard, and have everything organized the night before. he is in what they call duel enrollment this year..... 1/2 day of high school, and 1/2 day of college. Sammy thinks it is just great that he now will bring a school book home, and it does help to strengthen his arms, and if he'd just open it, we'd be getting somewhere. Two brothers so opposite, and so incredible close, always have been, they are 3 years apart in age, but age doesn't matter. I remember when andrew got injured pretty bad a few years ago, Sam slept on his bedroom floor 'just to keep an eye on him'. Andrew will be 18 next week, and Sam will be 15 the end of December.....
I was going to again blog about my other son, because it is the last thing i think about when i fall asleep, and it is the first thing i think about when i wake up.. but as i sat here this morning talking to the boys before school, i just couldn't help notice how different they were dressed. and i was reminded that all my energy can't go to the Prodigal.... I don't think i am as angry as i was, but i will say i am finding it harder than i thought. I KNOW he can't come back, i know i've given him a million options in the past five years, I know that my boys would leave, my husband would leave if i brought the disrespect and tension back into this home. I KNOW i am doing the right thing. i know that it was a fluke that we found the disturbing things that we did in his room,... which gave me the 100% knowledge that i had to do what i had to do. but it doesn't make it easier...... i can't help but worry about him, my goodness he is my son. and has been for five years.....i don't have a switch that i can turn off and on...... instead i analyze, feel, cry, get angry, rinse and repeat.
Andrew has a game tonight, love friday night football. I am hoping that i can enjoy a day off next week.... these past two weeks have been so hellish and busy~ a day to myself would be so nice. well I have to get a few things done, work today, and i have a feeling it is going to be very busy day. Tomorrow i have a dinner to go to and friday i have a day long conference to attend and then the game, and Sat i will go and clean......... maybe after that i will hole up in the house , and read a book..........maybe.
Have a nice day today .........

~sleepless

I am so tired, so why is it that I can't sleep right now? it is 3am, and i should be sleeping. I tried to write a letter to C, but i can't. I am too angry. too angry at what was given to this boy, to angry about how he has never respected me, this family, this home. angry at him for destroying my computer with his trash, angry at his lies, angry at his fakeness........angry angry angry. Angry that i "fought" for him, fought with Bill . angry that i trusted him over and over and over again...... until finally after this past year...... i came to terms that C would always lie to me, and C would continue to go behind my back.... Angry that I might not have protected my family enough. Angry that C had the life he had, angry at the system for not saving him before it was too late. Angry at him cause i am sick from being upset. Angry at him cause now my husband will never take in another foster child. Angry that my youngest child felt bullied, that I was told that "C" was "different" when i wasn't around......... mean...... moody....... Angry that my other boys spent the past year and a half hiding away in their bedrooms because they didn't want to be around the "moods" of their brother of 5 years any longer. I am angry at myself that i couldn't "fix" this child that the world messed up so bad I am angry at myself for being angry., gee i think i liked the period of sadness, even shock and denial better than this "season of anger", but i am going with this emotion.......... and obviously i am going with it pretty damn good.. I have faith in God, that He is with me in this walk~ and i know as i know as i know, that I will come to terms. But over the years I've learned to feel what i am feeling, and not try to control or minimize my emotions. for my blog readers I ask for patience, as you go down this path with me. my blog is very therapeutic for me...... who knows i might have to blog all about sadness again. but i will say this, even in this anger.......this very strong anger........ i still have an incredible sense of Peace too. The Peace comes from knowing that God knows what He is doing, and this is playing out this way for a very important reason.... is it the path that C needs? I don't know. it could be the peace that my other boys need, my marriage needs, I need. I may never know, and i don't need to know, Knowing that God sent C to me, and knowing God is in control of the letting C go......... that is all I need right now. Maybe if i lived alone, or had a husband on the exact same page, i could handle problem children. But i don't and I MUST protect the rest of my family. The relief my kids are feeling, the lack of stress and drama... answers the question, am i doing the right thing?
Health wise, i am doing okay. dropping lots of weight fast, but in a not good way. i didn't eat for 3 days...... the stomach "stirring" wasn't good for me. I did finally eat sunday and monday..... but i'm not sure if this all can hurt my band.... because with the band........ I MUST PAY ATTENTION!!!, and it hasn't been a priority for me. I do know i've been wearing Jeans for a few days..... haven't worn jeans in prob 6 or 7 years. I know that next monday i head down to Pittsburgh again for a few hours, will get a monitor to wear, a diary to write in, a million questions to answer, photos to be taken......... should be interesting.
Well it is now after 4 am. think i'll write C that letter when i am in the "sympathy or understanding " phase...... so i'll go crawl in bed and try to sleep. Thank you for listening. and please pray, or send the good vibes....... to ALL of my children........ i'd sure appreciate it.

Sadness/Anger/Acceptance

so many stages of grief, grief isn't just about death, you grieve a lost job, a marriage, a friendship, and about a hundred other things. I am dealing with the issue of letting my son....... let himself go from this family. grieving isn't cut and dried...... i go through sadness, anger, sadness again acceptance, anger..... and this is how i deal with this, I analyze, and relive, and yes even feeling guilty or thinking if i did this! if i stopped that!, maybe things would be different. Many say "don't feel guilt, this isn't your fault" and i understand that, but i know that i have to work through that emotion, so that i am dealing with this in a healthy matter. I know that bottom line, He is almost 18, and he is the only one that can be responsible for his action. and all I can do is hope and pray that i taught him a few skills to deal with what is a head of him, and as he matures hopefully he'll open up. HE NEVER HAS , had a councilor for 9 years, and he never once was honest with him, his hurts are deep, and locked in. and actually when we decided to bring his long term counselor back...... his comment was..... bring him back, i know what he wants to hear. Just as he said in an office full of people last week, He has a switch, and he KNOWS how to turn it on and off............. sounds scary to me,
My son never followed a rule...........NEVER, he was just really good at sneaking, and i caught him everytime........ but things are deep, more complex, and i can't even put in a blog what we found, and how sneaky he has been. But at least this stuff has given me peace in knowing i've made the right decision....And he WILL NOT BE COMING BACK!! if he can do what he did with me watching him, there is no way i can control him when he turns 18. My youngest son is so worried we will bring him back. he said he doesn't want him back......... he isn't angry, but he'd have to move with his dad. He's been cleaning like crazy, doing all of Corey's chores, so that i will see, that he will take his old responsibilities, plus his own. He is only 14, he has every right to be comfortable in his own home....... there isn't even a thought in my mind to change this situation. before friday...... i was still feeling turmoil, after Bill found a few more things, I felt anger........and then it was like God let us find this stuff, so that we could see other issues, so that we knew what we have done was the correct thing....
So in all of this, I can truly say.......... there is peace, even when i am angry, i feel a peace, when i am sad, i feel a peace.......... and for those reading this think.......boys will be boys......... i can assure you there wasn't anything......... normal about the situation! I know boys, and heck i may find a crumbled up playboy photo in one of my son's room....... normal behavior, they'd still have some consequence, because it is still MY home~ and it wouldn't be tolerated. I do not even allow my boys to have pin up girly posters, even in bikini's to be hung up in my house...... oh well!!! at least i know why my computer crashed, why Katie's computer crashed,...... what my ink was used so quickly this summer,........ and how an 18 year old boy COULD NOT BE LEFT ALONE.....
Thank you all for the comments, and private emails and such. it truly helped me.... is helping me through this process .
just thought i'd give you an update. Have a nice day.

Heart breaking..........

without getting into this too much, my life has been pretty hectic lately, and overwhelming sometime. Having trouble with one of my boys, has been a constant battle getting him to understand that the .........grass is not greener on the other side of the fence! He is almost 18, and i just can't tolerate the threats ......" if you are going to get involved when i do something wrong, if you don't leave me alone...... i am leaving!" there is sooooooooo much more to this story, but bottom line. I will not get disrespected in my home, by a cocky kid. So the option was stay, follow the family rules or suffer the consequences. He did not take that option~ so off he goes! I wish wish wish, I could have let this go. just trying to keep the boy out of jail in a few months. when he turns 18. Doesn't understand, won't even talk, I am tired, I am tired of keeping peace with my husband who isn't nearly as patient as me, trying to keep the other kids comfortable during this "outburst" of thick tension, which has happened more and more frequently as my one son gets closer to 18. the older he gets the more i can see he is testing the boundaries, in a way which i have lost control. He did this before, ....... it is like clock work! He finds a BEST friend, he hangs out at their house, he wants to live there, cause it is a perfect place, Because of my son's history, He has gone from home to home, we were his 9th home (five years ago). If he doesn't like a rule, or has an issue, he shuts down......and obviously works quite well in getting kicked out...... it is history with him, it is sad. most homes he didn't last a year...... a little boy, going from home to home to home.......... a really good boy with issues so deep, it will take years, if he'd let it, to get to them. We've been through this cycle about a dozen times, but he was always young enough, that i could get control and diffuse the situation. Now that he is almost 18, he is itching for freedom....... a new BEST friend, and a new honeymoon, a new best family in the world, and he wants to go there. He was so mean, yelling at me, ....... telling me he wasn't staying....... he's out of here............ I called his bluff........ we had a meeting with counselors, principal, case works, my last ditch effort to keep him....... once he started talking all of our jaws dropped, some in the meeting never saw the less than perfect side of this sweet boy.... and then he said........... " I have a switch, and i know how to use it". he's a charmer, beautiful smile, knows what to say, knows what people want to hear. I HAD to let him go, I have to work on this, I have other children that are tired of the drama, they stay away, stay at their dad's, stay in their rooms, cause they don't know the mood he's in. My other 18 year old son is furious that his "MOM has been so disrespected. My husband is angry that i spent yet another sleepless night tossing and turning, crying. My husband is tougher than me, and in the spring when my son did this again.....exact same thing, just different best friend and best friends family.. i got down on my knees and begged him not to go......... i remember he got in my face yelling at me... send me away send me away..... egging me on, my husband was so mad i tolerated that., he said when it happened this time.......if i didn't do something about it......... he'd leave.
I want you to know this precious boy is so stubborn, he doesn't understand the consequences... he'd cut his nose off to spite his face, BUT he is weeks away from being 18, his life sucked.. but only he can decide if he wants to work beyond that, I Love him. but i cannot sell my soul, sacrifice my husband, my other children, I cannot sacrifice myself, my peace for this. He is my son......... he lived here five years!.......... hopefully when he matures, he'll understand....... he'll come and visit bring his kids......... My brothers are devastated, they love him so much..... Can this be resolved? maybe? He is very very stubborn, so i could bring him back, pretty sure the tension will be there for a long long time. BUT right now my youngest son is begging for peace, begging to not bring the tension back, he's only 14. My husband is so frustrated and angry and sad. Bill is not the biological father to my children as you know...... nor was he the biological son to my "prodigal son". So there isn't even the excuse that this son was not blood related.
My spirit will settle, and i will find peace, it will take a little time, a lot of thinking, a lot of guilt to work through, a lot of praying, a lot of tears, and yes this will be mixed in with tons of relief, that the stress is gone right now. But i KNOW as I KNOW as I KNOW. ...... God sees the entire picture, God sent Corey to me...... I got him through his teen years........ i kept him in the same school district....... Seeds have been planted...... I may never see the fruits, But i have to trust that God will take care of the seeds that I sowed, I pray that God will care for this boy, this sweet spirit. I DO NOT regret taking my son out of the foster system. and i too must understand, an 18 year old boy tired of rules, and boundaries isn't really that uncommon. I just hope i've taught him enough, and loved him enough..... that his wings are strong enough to Fly. this damn tough love. this is such a long post, but i think putting it in writing is very therapeutic for me. and when i feel such guilt i am reminded of a story about this really really great woman.
She was a daughter of an alcoholic, married an alcoholic, and had an alcoholic son..... when this son was in his early thirties, she kicked him out of the house, he wouldn't work, and was "trashed" most of the time. he left, and spent time living on the streets, stealing from friends, there came a time when he was "sleeping" in the alley dirty, smelly, drunk, crap in his pants, and hungry....... He called home to his mom, can i come home............. She said NO! the son she gave birth to, the baby she held, the cookies she baked for his grade school, the sports she watched him play...... the memories haunted her, and she cried for three days. her heart broken, and bleeding. Why did she do this? she did this because her love for him was stronger than the pain she was feeling. Fast forward many years. That mother died, but not before she saw a glimpse of her harvest, she didn't see it all, but she saw the change, and now she has a front row seat in heaven.......... To see this "gutter drunk" a graduate of college, a high up management position with a company in the safety and science department, a wife, a beautiful home and three beautiful children, a MAN who hasn't touch alcohol in over 10 years, who loves his God and his mom........... this woman was my mother, and this man is my brother!!!

Johnny Kicked my Butt

So i had my training session with Johnny this morning........ just when i think i've done every way of work out imaginable.......He comes up with another one. this time he combined two exercises that do 6 reps~ take less than 3 seconds to start the second exercise doing 6 reps, and jump right back to the first exercise........ repeat this 3 times (='s 36 reps in less than a minute) take no more than 90 seconds off.. and begin the next set of two exercises........... do this for a total of 6 double stations.......... so there are twelve exercises, each exercise is done 18 times so it is 216 reps in 10 to 15 minutes. it was an incredible workout. my heart was racing, my sweat was pouring..... and my muscles were burning........... Johnny was surprised, at my strength and durability...... said I was becoming a lean mean burning machine lol, far from it, but well on my way. he is also all for the day of yoga, and feels from what i say, it equates to a cardio and resistance training day. so i he said 5 days of exercise is what he wants. Thurs and Sundays weight training with him, Tuesday with my yoga instructor Mondays a long hike/cardio and Sat should be another cardio. Elliptical or a nice hike........ Friday's are so busy for me right now, so that will be a definite day off................ so enough of that.
This message is short and sweet.......... so i think i'll close for now, got some things to do.
Blessings to you all.

Kick Off

and so it begins, My son's started the football season~ my favorite time of the year! I know we will still have warm days, but the nights will begin to lose the heat! The sun sets a little earlier, and wakes up just a little later. and now my Friday nights are filled with "football". Kids started school this week. Corey and Andrew are seniors, and Sammy is a freshmen. Katie is taking this semester off, and plans on returning in January. it looks like she wants Sports medicine and Nutrition. Andrew does the duel enrollment thing, he goes to high school in the morning, and takes college courses at IUP in the afternoon. He too wants to go there for Physical Science, Nutrition, Sports Medicine......... he's not quit sure exactly what direction. But he may follow in his Uncle John's footsteps.
I have done yoga using the TV fitness station, or a tape, but this week was the first time I was in a class. and let me tell you WOW!!! it is yoga, but it has a period of "cardio yoga" where you do several yoga poses, and go directly into another pose, and repeat....... warrior, dog, child, ..warrior, dog, child......... I felt every muscle in my body in a very good way. and when i was done, i was sweating so much, ........... I will be doing this every Tuesday at work........ yup i start work at 10:30 until 3:30, and after doing Yoga, and having Lunch (which doc likes us to eat together). it is almost 1:00 ..... I don't hear of any jobs that pays you to take Yoga during office hours.... I do give the instructor something, but i get paid more..... go figure :0).
So I do Yoga Tuesdays, Johnny Thursday mornings and Sunday mornings. so i have 3 days for a good hike or the elliptical, which i am loving right now. I always take a day off. I think during football i will take Fridays off.
Patti and i were talking this week, and it lead me to thinking. The one thing that the lap band stops me from doing is having a day of Eating as much as I want, or a binge meal. and you know what I don't mind......... oh i could start gorging myself, to the point that i can deem the LapBand useless. but why even start. I do take a day to eat what ever........ but i just can't eat a lot of it.
.......for instance, yesterday at work, we did a potluck, i took a small dessert plate out of the cupboard and used it as my meal plate... put what i wanted on, even able to eat a pizza roll , i just had to chew a lot, and my co worker made it with more filling than bread......yummy. and i was able to eat a very small piece of the best Apple pie, and 1 tablespoon taste of Chocolate cake. i didn't deny myself of anything. don't feel like i am missing anything. it just means i can no longer eat a whole pie!!! as soon as the weather cools, i can start "breaking" in my hiking boots. so they will be ready for my hike in October. so hopefully that is soon.
well i should get going, bill and I are going to clean the office, and i think it is messier than normal, so it will be a couple hours.
Have a great day, and Blessings to you all.

New Warnings~!!! / everybody has an opinion!

Over a year ago when i decided to look into Weight Loss surgery, I did get hassled by a few people about how dangerous it is, how it was the "easy way out"........ Now i am not 'judging' these comments, i am just stating them, and actually, I used to be one of those people that ridiculed such drastic measures, in my narrow mind and way of thinking. It took my husband to say a year and 1/2 ago, what does it hurt to just look into it, and investigate it Sandi? ... so you all know the outcome of that. as I've had the surgery, and have been 100% successful without any major complications the first 4 months. oh there are pros on cons, and there are a lot of "could have happens......." and i won't sit here and say that something couldn't happen down the road, cause it could. There are so many tools out there that help with the weightloss journey, I am not just talking about such things as surgery, or medication, there are books and cookbooks, personal trainers, things like weight watchers, jenny craig, nutrisystem, slimfast....... THEY all have their success stories, and failure stories, websites have became great tools, E-Diets, Calorie King, etc......... again these too have success stories and failures. Today the FDA is taking a closer look at drugs like xenical and alli http://www.fda.gov/Safety/MedWatch/SafetyInformation/SafetyAlertsforHumanMedicalProducts/ucm180025.htm
this isn't being taken off the market, right now they are at the point to just warn people using it to keep an eye on Liver Function. they aren't even saying not to take it yet, but it seems to be causing more liver problems than average. I know people that take this, and use it as a tool for them, they are having great success too.
We aren't "cookie cutter" human beings, we are all unique, and our bodies all respond to different things, different eating plans, different forms of exercise. I metabolize a 'cookie different than my son Andrew, I have a friend that can eat white bread and pasta without an issue, I find even smelling this can cause me to gain weight. the notion for me, that a calorie is a calorie doesn't work 100 calories of Oreo cookies does NOT equal 100 calories of chicken breast in my metabolic make up. i am JUST talking about myself here folks.
I am here to say, and everyone that hangs with me will say too, I did NOT take the easy road when i decided to let the Lap band work with me, actually it is quite the opposite. I've worked very hard, and i started this work a whole year before i even went under the knife! I learned about emotional eating, mindless eating, i learned how to chew food (*remember how excited i was about the teeth thing, and how the first line of digestion was almost forgotten by me ) i remember that for 3 months i wasn't even on an eating plan, i was just learning, how i ate, what i ate and when i ate... i became aware of my food. it was only after that, when i began to choose healthier foods. I've been without carbonated drinks including diet soda's for a year now, I knew that it would be an issue with my lap band, so i started early. i am finally not craving it, and don't need. I spent many days in Pittsburgh, weekly visits, talking, doing special test, answering a million questions.. Now that i have a lap band, and now that it is officially working with me (dropped 5 lbs the past week) it is more work than ever, if i eat too fast, if i don't chew my food, if i eat the wrong foods....... i am reminded NOT TOO, by the pressure in my chest. I haven't thrown up like i thought i would, and with relaxation and deep breathing this usually last 10 minutes but never more than 40 minutes). i haven't stopped exercising, and have been doing a lot on my own ......... "starting back up with Johnny this week" . God willing, I will be accomplishing my first goal in October. (*Jeanine want to do it with me? ) finally giving my 10 mile hike to Melody, she's been waiting a while.
Well today is a yoga day at work. I've decided to take Mondays off, and go in on Tuesday so that i can participate in Yoga that is provided weekly so i do two days of weight training, one day of yoga, and 3 days for hiking or elliptical. i take one day off. now i wish i could have the one day to eat what you want. even my health freak personal trainer for 23 years brother, takes one day a week off to eat whatever. But for now i can't, the lapband will only let me taste foods like pie, cake, pizza,........ it, my lapband, seems to enjoy chicken fish, veggies, and fruit. chewed well!
Please have a wonderful day. i plan on it

Goals

When people see me now, they seem to notice my weightloss, quite easily. But I have been getting lately..........." how much more weight do you need to lose? what is your goal weight? what size do you want to get to? " Even Doctor Mike asked me, when i get to my original goal which he said I WILL MAKE IT, will I change my goal a little lower? ....... I realized that truly, this doesn't even cross my mind. i know this sounds odd, and maybe it is. I am just doing what i am supposed to do, and feeling reall good doing it.......

BUT I DO HAVE GOALS.......... and here they are--->

First Goal:

I am going to Hike ten miles of the Appalachian Trail, This will be more than likely this October. This is a Goal i set a couple years ago, when i promised that Dear Angel Melody. And i've always wanted to walk a piece of this trail, so why not combined two goals together???

Goal Two

I plan on getting a Cannondale for next spring so that i can ride my bike to work a couple times a week. it is about 30 miles round trip from my home to work and back to home. how blessed am i that i literally have a trail out my back door, and it goes within two miles of my office. I am going to continue cleaning the office even though Bill is back to work, it is extra cash, and I need to save money for this goal. it will serve two purposes, one it will be a physical activity for me and two it is an Earth friendly option to ease up on using my car so often.

third goal:

I have always wanted to get my own Kayak, love the river, So this may be next summer, or I may have to get one on clearance next fall. when i was much heavier, realistically, this was something my Spirit wanted to do, but my body could not do.

Well so those are the goals that cross my mind, Not my weight, nor my size...... nor a time frame. .. i am living, loving, hoping, dreaming, laughing, ....... this is one awesome journey.

Now it is still a little too humid to head out on the trial, but i have this great Elliptical down in my game room, think i'll go there now..... before i get ready for work.

have a great day.

====> low low carb

no i am not doing Atkins, I am not doing beef, bacon, and full fat cheese, But i am going to be realistic here, I can't do bread, or pasta,or potato's at this point, not at all........ I have drastically cut back my exercise for this week........ still doing my weight training at home. I am eating plenty of beans, chicken,fish, turkey, lean beef, egg's, all kinds of veggies and all kinds of fruit, I can eat a handful of nuts (very small handful) and i have to chew everything very well. I am prob getting a little less than 1200 calories, i like to keep my calories between 1500 and 17oo on a daily basis. my lapband is working perfect, i don't get nauseated, haven't thrown up, able to drink 2 quarts of water and unsweetened green tea. After eating about 6 0z maybe 8 0z (1 cup of food total) I am full....... the weight is again falling off like melted butter. i know this is temporary, and i know after a week or two, my lapband will stabilize and i will be able to eat a little more of "the bread group".

I noticed today when i went down to watch Paige while Chris and Megan finished up cookie baking, I have more energy.......... i move and dance, and make goofy moves the entire time i am there, I don't breath heavy........ i don't have sore muscles........... i feel so damn good!!! this is what counts.......... how I feel!!!! oh by the way, Paige is the sweetest most pleasant baby i know.... i love her so much!!! i am so glad that Chris is sharing her with me.......

Well, This is going to be short and sweet, I got home, finished supper, going to wash a load of clothes, and get ready for Popcorn (for everyone but me) and America's got talent. Our family has been watching this for 3 summers now...... the kids, me and Bill. ...

Blessings to everyone

~> heat index <~

this isn't fog, this is HAZE, you can literally see the heat/humidity in the air. This summer has been so mild, therefore i am not complaining, but this is my least favorite type of weather. I cannot hike, walk, or for that matter stay in this weather for too long. So today will be one of my "band" workouts. in front of the air conditioning.
i have adjusted my exercise level to my calorie intake level for a week or such. getting used to having the Lapband actually work for me right now. oh i can eat fine, but i haven't had to use my own will power to stop eating on my own since last Thursday. Now I understand why they say it is important to eat the protein first, up until now, i could eat my protein, and my carb, and even have a sugar free pudding. I can intake about 4 0z of food right now, in the evening as the day goes on, i can get in about 8 oz. i am drinking fine, not in any pain or discomfort, just feeling full.
Well I am getting ready for work, and then directly after work, i have to take Andrew to his orthodontist appointment, The boys started football camp today. Andrew has his driver's license, and his dad just picked him up, an old car to drive back and forth to school in. Even with Bill on strike, and me working almost everyday this summer, it sure has been a nice one... Time stands still for no one, Football season is here, so i will get even busier until the end of October, This is my son's senior year, and my foster son's senior year........ two graduating. next year. Sammy is a freshman this year, so i have him for a few more years.... I guess i've made living at home pretty darn peaceful for my kids, none have a desire to go far, Andrew wants to go to the college that is 20 minutes away, as Katie did/does. I even think when all is said and done, they may just plant their roots around here too, if possible!!! whatever, I want them to be happy and make their own peace and contentment no matter what path they take, That is what i want. ...... okay i better get off that topic before i start getting all melancholy, well i gotta scoot, I'll see you all later.

So I've been lying to you guys all along

Had a doctor appointment and I am doing great, there was confusion with the numbers recorded, and a little issue with converting kg to lbs.......... but when all was said and done I lost about 10 lbs since last visit (going with my scale). MORE IMPORTANTLY, Dr. Mike was amazed with the before and after pictures already. So we tried to figure out, if I should have another fill, I told him what i could eat, answered a "million" other questions. discussed the exercises thingy, and how it increases my appetite, discussed how i am in no hurry to lose the weight.... and loving the journey that i am in. I really thought i would NOT get another adjustment on this visit........ so Dr. Mike asks........... is the band doing its job yet? and I say well yeah....... i only eat half a meal when going out, I can only eat two thin slices of pizza at one time,..... Dr. Mike asks........"and after 15 or 20 minutes could you eat another piece of pizza?" me... " well yeah, but i usually don't". Dr. Mike say's......... " well then you are doing most of the work, would you like some help?" ........... Me, "sure why not. So i get another 1/2 of cc in my band, he started with 1 cc but wasn't happy with the way the water was going down.... He explained that if the band is doing its job, only one piece of pizza, and very little bread or dough or pasta can be tolerated. and I should not feel hungry for a few hours.
This is my first journey, so i've got nothing to go by, so this is the part where my title of this blog comes in, I've been lying all along that my band was working for me. I've been doing so well, but i was doing most of the work......... WHAT A BIG difference in just two days...... i don't even think i could eat one piece of pizza, and i am not hungry enough to try........ when my little 3 hour timer goes off on my watch indicating i can eat my next meal, i am still not hungry. These are small portions that i am taking......... and i find myself quite surprised that i get a sudden "full" feeling, not a sick feeling, or a painful feeling......... just a full feeling, For instance...... Bill and i went and cleaned the doctors office, usually we have sandwiches from subway, i get mine on flat bread, didn't even do that today. had my protein shake and some yogurt. for lunch i had a small salad with lean ham and turkey and a little ranch this was at one pm, by 5 pm I was ready to eat, but not starving, or wanting to pick at foods........ i ended up with a grilled turkey burger with avocado, Swiss cheese, lettuce tomato and onions........no bun, it came with fries, ....... i ate only 1/2 of my burger with no bun, and 5 french fries......... I was totally done eating, it is now 8 pm and I am still not hungry, i have plans for guacamole (2 TBS) and 10 Cherry tomato's ....
I am not sick, or nauseated, i am not slimming or miserable...... i am just not hungry right now. i am really curious to see how this is gonna work for the next few weeks....... Honestly, and i may be wrong, i really feel like i am going to do another big drop again in the next month or so, and then level off for a few more months........ Hey i've been going nothing but down in weight for a year and a half now.......so this is all good. I know this info may bore alot of you guys, and i apologize for it.... but my eating changes are just amazing me, and i am so excited to share.
I have so much more to talk about, but i'll have to do it at another time, but i got a few things to do before bed, so i am gonna say goodbye for now

full body view, although a little blurry

Okay this is difficult for me, but i thought what the heck I should show a body view every now and then, usually i just show my face, katie takes these for me every now and then, I am getting smaller, and the jammies in the second picture wouldn't even slide up my butt two months ago~ slow slow slow progress, but i am very happy, I am trying to find a picture of me from last winter, maybe Christina has one, but i did find another blurry one on my phone, that i had to send my brother Johnny to prove i was working out at home. ...... This was taken after i lost a good bit of weight, but before my surgery.

This next photo is taken just this morning by Katie, disregard the very "tall"bedhead, This is 4 and 1/2 months after the Lapband surgery. I have decided, yes i know that i am still a big girl yet. I know people would cringe to be in a size 18, sometimes 16. but coming from a tight 26 last February.......... I am pretty damn happy.

Why haven't i posted a full body picture before? I am not sure, you'd think I'd have posted one since after all my blog is about my changing life in all .....body and soul!!! now if i can just push the publish button......

IT is way too humid for me to hike outside right now, I would have a tough time breathing, So i will do another workout inside, i am contemplating going up and using the gym........ i have 45 minutes to decide.

Have a great day folks, and make it a good one.

Sunday Dinner

My dinner today, Simple and Delicious, note this is on my very own "dessert" size plate! Bill grilled to perfection a 3 0z fillet Mignon wrapped in a slice of bacon, and grilled cherry tomato's seasoned with a little olive oil, pepper and garlic ( fresh picked from the garden I might add) Dessert was fresh cut watermelon.......... yummy!
My eating has changed so much, and i don't even think about it anymore, this past week has been very busy~ some day's went 12 or 14 hours. on one of those days Bill and I went to a Chinese Restaurant for dinner, I ordered chicken and broccoli, this huge plate came out, and I was so hungry, i started to eat too fast ~ i was able to eat about 1/2 to 3/4 a cup of rice chicken and broccoli~ and i got sick, actually had to go outside, the food stayed "stuck" for about 45 minutes, i did not actually throw up, but i had to spit alot, what happens is , when food gets stuck, your body naturally increases the saliva production, not just saliva as we know it, but thicker stuff..... so i had to keep spitting this, and i have found a trick to moving, moving my arms, twisting my torso, etc. to try and get things to move, as quick as I got sick, and it isn't nausea, or bloat feeling, but a pain in the center of my chest, is as quick as i felt better, I almost knew immediately that the food moved....... and the spit production stopped. honestly a year ago, i could have and would have eaten the entire monster plate, and that is no joke. yesterday i went to a party with my husband, it was his bosses retirement party, some of his co workers that haven't seen me since Katie's graduation party, noticed immediately that I've lost a lot of weight. Eating wasn't too difficult for me, I couldn't eat much, and i didn't mind, I tried a small piece of cake, and couldn't finish it, gave the rest to Bill. I am so happy with how the lapband is working with me now.......... I love it, and it has been the BEST decision for me. :0).
Oh and I took Christina's advice, I usually wear big clothing for two reasons, one, i don't want to waste too much money on clothing yet, and too, i feel save in my big clothes. Friday I stopped at her house with a pair of Khaki's and a black form fitted shirt, i was actually getting ready to stop at my house to change back into my safe clothing before work. But Christina seemed genuinely surprised and how good it looked on me, I promised her i would keep it on, Several people noticed at work too.......... don't think i will wear these clothes often, but i will wear them some.
one more thing, Simple Zucchini recipe
1 cake mix ( regular, or the low sugar) * i used chocolate once and spice once
shredded zucchini ( i used 2 med size)
optional
1 egg
choc chips
nuts
raisins
etc.
i used one egg some choc chips and nuts

NO OIL
it is the moistest cake ever, and if you don't put any egg, chocolate or nuts in it is fat free
and if you use lower sugar cake mix, it is low sugar
tons of fiber........
kids love it, and were clueless that i used zucchini
shhh don't tell them

well i should get going, and visit with Bill awhile, have a great week everyone

Sadness :^(

And why sadness you may wonder? Well an Era is almost over, at least for a while. Oh i know this Era can and hopefully will return in several years~ but for now it is a little sad. For 20 years i either had a very large station wagon, or a minivan........ i had a gray Oldsmobile station wagon, and then an Emerald Green Dodge Caravan, and then a Gold Dodge Caravan, and then finally my Silver Town and Country......... My Vans were put to rest officially yesterday.... Bill and I have know for sometime that lots of moneywould be needed to keep the van running, Last winter we could barely get the car to start, when it was cold the power steering wouldn't work, and sometimes the power steering would just go while driving, for the past 9 months there have been times i just held my breath, as new sounds leaked from the hood. The air conditioning stopped working....... But two months ago, the Transmission started to slip, we took it to two mechanics that informed Us that this year, type of van, having 150,000 miles is really good for a transmission in this car BUT it will be going completely soon. Now i knew this, but what could we do....... i put this issue in God's hands..........and what would be would be. A long story Short, Ever since i saw one, i've always wanted a Jeep Compass! I figured down the road a few more years. Well that then is now. all along we told the dealership that don't try the "pressure". IF the price is right, the payment is right, and the rate is right.......... we will take it. Not one penny over!!! and the other big thing is, i was going to do this on my own, my own income, my name only.....etc. We actually took the car home weds night, and would plan on finishing the paperwork the next day. well I got a call Thursday telling me the "numbers" wouldn't work, they needed my husband on the application too. I tell them NO, i'll bring the car back, have my van ready to go. A few more calls, ......"well we can get the car in your name, but the payment is going to be higher" again I say NO, . at this point although sad, Bill and I both decided, what will be, will be, we talked about putting a few more thousand in the car....and keeping it on the road for a while. it is a gamble putting that kind of money into a car that has seen alot of miles. but we also knew, that God is still in control, even in a simple situation like this. it is just how i live now! Well obviously by the photo, and this entry.....you know what happened!!! Not only did I get exactly what I wanted, but what a surprise, when all was said and done, My interest rate came in much lower than they thought, and my payment ended up being 30 or 40 dollars less than the original deal.... How in the heck did that Happen?........ yeah right!!! When i got the news that I couldn't get the car, although sad at first......... I thought of the good things about keeping the clunker...... it was paid off and the insurance is way cheaper, Andrew just got his license and Corey will be getting his permit, so it will be a good car for them to practice driving, And i figured, had trust, that it would just keep going.......... a simple prayer " God, this is in your hands now, i can't control this, therefore I will not worry about it"......

Sadly with the boys being almost 18, and Katie being 20, they don't seem to ride with mom and dad much anymore, and their idea of a fun afternoon is not climbing into the van and going on a Sunday road trip with Us. they have their own friends, Katie has her own car, Andrew will be getting a car, and in less than 9 months Corey will be getting a car. So it is basically me, bill and Sammy (he'll be 15 in December). Oh well this is life, someday i will be looking for a minivan again, to carry Grandchildren around to love and spoil.......... I am in no hurry though, i will enjoy this wonderful world of TEENAGERS........... I love my kids

~~>Fog<~~

this morning I woke up, and couldn't see a thing outside, fog was pretty thick, a couple hours later, i could at least see this much.....
Fog is pretty much what i've been in lately, or it seems like it. Just so busy and a lot on my mind, Getting the boys ready for school in a few weeks, scheduled football physicals, senior pictures, working extra at work. Things are going really well though, Pennsylvania is just starting to get the "summer" weather, with the humidity and lots of rain right now, this has taken a toll on my allergies.....and it has worn me out a little. Lapband wise i am doing really really well, still NO issues, still if i eat too fast, too much or too wrong.... my lapband reminds me~ yet i have not thrown up like i thought i would, ~ but the lapband is doing what it is supposed to do~be a tool and a reminder.
Exercise took a back seat last week, and that cannot be!!! I went over the weekend at got a DVD and bands (johnny told me to get this a long time ago, and when i can't get up to the gym, i was to use these, he uses these alot when he trains) I did upper body Sat, today i will do Core, Hoping for a nice hike tomorrow. Christina has been out of commission for a while, her back has given out on her, but i think she should be up and running soon.
I would love to tell you how much more weight i've lost~ i think i am leveling off, staying the same or -1 weekly. I haven't gained weight since last February, i was looking at my weight chart/graph. and i drop, level sometimes for a month, drop a bunch, level, drop, level ..........I like the word level instead of Plateau, Plateau sounds like a bad thing! But i have NOT gained in almost a year and a half. However, i think my scale is broke, the one week I gained 58 lbs in a day, two hours later i lost 102 lbs. the scale keeps shorting out, and it bounces back and forth and never settles on a number, then i lose the screen, and it blinks quickly. i tried new batteries..... not helping.........So I think until i can buy a new scale i'll just weigh in at the doctors.
Christina lives "next door" to me, and i think i've seen her once in two weeks..... and gee I miss Patti, actually Patti was in my dream on friday, i told Chris all about it. But Patti was at my house, and a doctor was coming to preform surgery on my ears , all Patti could think about was decorating for Christmas, she had sweat pants on and these 10 inch high heels, She wanted everything done before the doctor came........ long dream short. Patti was decorating and cooking, doctor came cleaned my ears with qtips (that was the surgery) and then ordered a nurse that was there to give me a shot of Demoral so i could sleep, The doctor had driven one of Jay Leno's cars to my house, .................... it is a much longer dream, and oh so weird...... how in the heck does the mind think up dreams like this.
Bill said he'd like to send me to Patti for a few days, i can't wait to actually plan it, I'll see what happens in a few months with finances, and then plans will be made. how fun would that be to hang with Patti in her neck of the woods.......???
well i better get my butt moving, or I should say my Core......... get showered and get ready to go to work, oh I gotta drop the boys off at football practice first.........
talk to you later,