EIGHT YEARS A GO~~~

Eight years ago today, Bill and I were married. As no relationship is perfect, it has been a great 8 years. As most of you know, Bill and i did not have a long courtship, actually it was rather short. But i "knew" i was supposed to marry him before i even met him, no really that is true, God wanted me to meet him, and i kept hearing the subtle message in the back of my mind... so to make a very long story short.... Our first date was Sept 17, 2001, He asked me to marry him Nov 1, 2001 and we were married December 8, 2001. As with any marriage, we have our ups and downs, but eight years later, i still get coffee in bed every morning, he still goes grocery shopping with me, and he still puts the kids before all else. i truly think if there was nothing else, i'd love him forever for how he loves my kids. I mean he just didn't get me, he got me and three kids, and lets be honest, an X husband, all in a day..... and i must say he's done it well. I do believe my boys love their step dad more than me sometimes.... or at least that is what they tell me. Bill has made what should have been a difficult life, quite easy. Before we even got married, we had a meeting with Albert, just to let him know, that me getting married changed nothing for Albert, he wanted Albert to know that he was still welcome to come and go as he pleased, walk in the house, hang with his children, spend every Christmas morning with Us, so that my kids would not ever have to worry about who to spend Christmas morning with.... It is a good life!!
So Bill plans on getting off a little early, and we are planning to go out and eat, and do a little Christmas shopping. right now i can eat about, if not a little less than a cup of food at one sitting. not sure what is up with that, i am able to drink fine, i have no problem with my Muscle Milk in the morning, But for instance this is what i had yesterday
- breakfast, muscle milk protein shake
-lunch, went to TGIF's got the Chicken/Cheese dish, grilled chicken, cheese, green peppers, onions, and mashed potato's i ate about 3 oz of the chicken and about 6 bites of the mashed potato's, didn't even eat 1/3 of the meal.
-dinner 2 oz of left over chicken and 2 oz of grilled Cod
-snack 6oz of Greek yogurt with blueberry, and .75 oz lowfat cheese

THAT WAS IT ALL DAY, i don't know what to make of it, i am eating, so i am not blocked, i am drinking, not experiencing in pain or discomfort. and i am not hungry right now. Maybe making a conscious effort to monitor how i am eating, esp after finding out i would not be getting a lapband adjustment for a couple of months, my lapband just doesn't seem to tolerate the carbs as well........i will monitor and keep an eye on my nutritional numbers.....

Today i am sorta being mellow and chilling, doing some stuff around the house, doing a little laundry....... taking it easy,

Make it a great day

Rotisserie

A good weekend! Friday i got a small unexpected and much appreciated bonus from work. I so love my job and who i work for and work with. So on Saturday morning Bill and I went and took care of his mom, got her medications and insulin organized, and then he took me to the Mall... his words were........ " what do YOU want to buy for yourself, not me, not the kids, not anyone else. He wanted me to use my bonus money for something that i really wanted. Well if truth be told, I have wanted a rotisserie for some time, I buy rotisserie chicken a couple times a week. and i am forever cooking fish and chicken at home. so i got a rotisserie, a pretty nice one too. I did a roast in it yesterday. today i am going to do Cod or wild caught Salmon, i can do my turkey burgers in it and veggies and potato's. so being that i eat lean protein and veggies as a mainstay, this will definitely come in handy...
I am getting into a routine with my diet........ i drink a Muscle Milk in the am, I eat a lunch of lean protein, veggies, and complex carbs, i eat a dinner of the same, and before bed i eat a Greek yogurt...... it is all natural, with 5 live cultures, and 14 grams of protein, If and i say if i need another snack it is 0.75 oz individually wrapped lowfat cheese and a small orange or clementine, and that has been the basics the past week, I didn't even really over do it at my work Christmas Party. I will be curious, especially if this keeps up to see what the scale says on Dec 31st. Bottom line is though............ i am feeling good :0)
Katie, Carley and I are heading out to do some shopping today. We got our monster tree yesterday, Bill and the boys put it up....... do you know that a tree looks alot smaller outside, than it does when you bring it into a home........I am just sayin'. the boys said next year They pick out the tree, a tree that Charlie Brown would be proud of. we shall see, these artificial trees are looking nicer and nicer as the years pass.
well i want to get in the shower, finish cleaning and sweeping...... I'll post a picture of the tree after it is finished, i think it is 10 feet, maybe 11
Make it a good day....... I"ll be back

LapTop Lunch

This was my lunch today.... baked stuffed tilapia, salad, fresh steamed green beans, and light yogurt..... it was delicious, could only eat half of it. Now instead of working through a "stuck" feeling. i eat super slow, and as soon as i feel pressure i stop. i just decided that i can not assume and expect the lapband to work by itself, and i cannot just wait until my fill/adjustment takes place in two months. I am 100% responsible for my own health and well being. not some piece of plastic wrapped around my stomach LOL......... i do love this lapband, again i shall say it.. this is the best decision I've made, NO REGRETS at all. i've also decided not to fight eating breakfast right now...... it is hard to eat early in the morning. but i also don't want to go without breakfast, so i decided to try "Muscle Milk" a lactose free high protein shake. The numbers are pretty healthy.... low carb at 11 (* less than 10 net carbs) , 22 grams of protein, healthy fats, 240 calories. I had the shake, at 7:30 am went to give N1H1 shots to the high school, went to work and finally at 1 pm i had my laptop lunch, I never felt hunger pains the entire morning, so i am curious to see how this works for me~

I am going to be pretty busy for these next few weeks..... but i will try really hard to maintain a grip on my life, to focus, and be mindful of the moments.

Well Bill and I are heading out the door........ i'll keep you posted on my life's happenings later

January 29, 2010

This is the date for my next Lapband adjustment, eight weeks away! And I am totally fine with that. So I call the office yesterday and this is how it went:
ME: Hi, i am calling to see if they are starting to schedule Lapband adjustments yet?
HER: yeah, we have been scheduling them, what is your name?
ME: Sandi.....
HER: well when was your last adjustment?
ME: August
HER: oh, hold please (Silence, not even silly music)
HER AGAIN: Well someone will be calling you to schedule an appointment ME: Someone told me that first of November, I do not care when the appointment is, schedule me and I will be there. I will arrange my schedule around you.
HER: Okay January 29, 2010, if you don't like that date, bring it up with Marva
ME: no i am okay with it, but why couldn't you have just scheduled me in the first place?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I guess being so behind, and still doing dozens of surgeries a week, it is very difficult to keep up with demand, many people want the adjustment to deal with holiday eating, And i guess people aren't happy that they can't get in sooner. I don't look at it that way, and i told the receptionist just that. With or without the lapband, i am Ultimately Responsible for my own health and wellness. And i am not going to use the excuse " i need an adjustment" to eat out of control. well as out of control as i could get, the Lapband, although needing adjusted DOES prevent me from eating a lot. Again like i said before a Lapband adjustment "IS NOT A LIFE SAVING PROCEDURE". and i will get one, when i get one.
My weight is at a slow down right now, but not stopped. i lost 3.5 lbs for the month of November. and i KNOW if i'd get back into the daily exercise routine, I could speed that up a little more. ( i am only weighing myself last day of the month, so my next weigh in will be Dec 31) Do you know it has been going on two years now since I started the journey... and i have slowly brought my weight down,... and in the two years......it hasn't gone up. oh i am not talking about the PMS bloat, where it goes up and then back down in a day. but i mean as a rule, my weight has steadily gone down...... I am figuring i have about 70 to 75 more pounds to lose, and i am betting i'll do that in a year or little more......... no hurry, enjoying the journey.
So i take Sam to school this morning, and what happens? i get a flat tire just as i am pulling into the school...., and i am thinking ALL of my men are gone, Bill as work, Albert is hunting, Larry and Mike are hunting (*they are my men too) and I assumed the kids Pap was hunting too. I call Bill, and then i call Katie...... and then i decided, Hey i should just stop being a helpless girl and get out and change that tire...... so i did figure it out..... so picture this i am in my Christmas jammies, and very much bed hair, Katie did get a hold of Pap, and he wasn't hunting, he got there just as i was jacking up the car. He finished the tire for me, the tools he brought with him where much easier to work with. Women....... we all need to know how to do basic things like change a tire, check the oil....... cause you never know when you need to use the skill.
Well I am babysitting for Katie today so i should get myself moving....... i have an hour to get ready....... Have a great day.

bad bad bad children LOL

So my first attempt of getting photos of my kids for a christmas postcard failed. they kept goofing off, or I should say the boys kept goofing off, i quit trying!!! they knew i was angry so i am sure when i attempt this again, they won't make me cry in frustration!
This has been a wonderful long vacation weekend with my family~ if i could sum it up in one word, it would have to be CONTENT!!! I am so blessed that it scares me sometime, and maybe it isn't so much at what happens in my life, but how i look at things in my life. I've had my share of "issues" to say the least, and things aren't always easy, but God sure has a way of letting me know, he is still with me and in Control of every aspect of my life. The older i get, the more I seem to simplify my life. the more i live in the moment. I am learning to not let the World pull me under, and i must admit sometimes it is hard, (*four policemen shot to death while eating, a family member had thanksgiving dinner with his family, got up, went out to his car came back in with a gun,and shot his sister, his aunt, his young neice, to death....)a local girl just a little older than Katie, is fighting for her life, waiting for a new liver, just from too much Tylenol, another casual friends 8 year old nephew is in a coma on life support fighting for his life,i am remembering my nephew Alex who died 2 years ago, i am sure for his family it feels like yesterday.... I have to stay grounded, or it would overwelm me so much, I cannot control this world, but what i can do is not let it control me.
I truly dislike the first day of Deer season, i think it is just too dangerous, heck just where i live, out in the country is too dangerous. I look out my window, i can see spots of orange on the other side of the hill, and then i think...if a deer would run between us, he would be shooting in my direction!! Andrew goes out with his dad and grandpap, he is on family property, and his dad's cousins are pretty strict who is out there, and everyone knows where everyone else is located, so in that sense, it is safer, i just hold my breath alot and pray for a safe return. Sam could care less about hunting, Katie and a gun just scare me, although she does love to be called out to "gut" the deer that have been shot.
It is a cool rainy day, and i am here at work for a few hours just touching base here, as to what needs done, the office is actually closed, and i am actually in PJ's right now! think i'll head home after and watch some old Christmas movies, and wait to here from the great hunters

Wonderful..........

it has been a Wonderful couple of day's, Thanksgiving was one of the best ones ever. The kids went to their grandparents for lunch, and Bill and i went to Christina and Larry's. it was just a warm comfortable time, no stress at all. i was able to eat a small plate of food. didn't taste every thing, but tasted everything i wanted to. ate slowly and enjoyed every bite. After lunch, Bill, me and the kids decided to go to the movies... the boys didn't think they wanted to see a Chick flick, so they went to see some movie with guns. Katie went with Us to see Blind Side..... One of the best movies i've ever seen. it was a feel good movie, lots of laughs as well as "feel good" tears. I definately plan on seeing this movie again. In light of losing my foster son Corey a couple of months ago, i was concerned that this movie would make me sad, or make me feel like i failed my boy. But on the contrary it did not. Instead in made me more aware than ever, that it took The young Man to WANT to succeed, as well as his MOM to push for him. it took both of them to make a success story out of an abused/neglected homeless boy. I came out of the movie, knowing that i did all that I could, and in Part Corey needed to want to succeed, to give a part of himself, that he wasn't able to do. After the movie, the boys had some friends over, and for our Thanksgiving Dinner, we stood around the bar/counter eating Pizza bites, and Chicken bites, laughing and talking and just enjoying family time.
without a doubt, Bill is the best "Dad" there is. Sammy and his friends wanted to go to Black Friday so bad, I wasn't gonna touch that request. But Bill, with a smile, got up at 4am, took (3) 14 year old boys shopping, He stayed in town for 4 hours waiting for them to get done, just so he would be "around" if something happened. brought them back home, all with huge smiles on their faces..... I told Christina, she better NOT hear me complain about Bill for one week LOL.
I must say I did not feel well at all yesterday, at first in the morning i actually thought I was coming down with something, i had a sore throat, body aches, ... and by surprise, I got an incredible Light show, actually could not see for about 20 minutes. the bad thing is, i did not have my Maxalt which prevents the migraine from occuring. and my doctor's office was closed, i do not take Oral pain medication as a rule, esp. Mortrin or any other anti inflamatory because of having the LapBand. So I did what i could do, went to bed to see if I could sleep it off.... i did sleep, but it hurt even in my sleep.... and i woke up to a full fledged Migraine Headache!!! I was still perplexed as to why I got one, being that they only come around "THAT TIME" for me... well low and behold, "THAT" came too. so at bedtime i had a massive headache, and nasty cramps... and sinus congestion. I took a dose of Nyquil. and boom i was sleeping before i knew it......... I woke up this AM feeling weak, tired, but much better that yesterday. I think i will still take it easy today too. Family is supposed to get together for Thanksgiving at 2pm, i still may go. Bill has been wonderful, i am getting coffee in bed, breakfast in bed, he cleaned the house, rubbed my feet with lotion, taking care of the suppers.... ahh I am a blessed blessed woman.
Well time to get off this computer for now. I recommend EVERYONE go and see the Blind Side....... you won't regret going

My own young wolf....

the title will only mean something to those who are familiar with the second book in the twilight series, New Moon. I just know that Sammy must be half man, half wolf, he's got to be, that is the only logical answer. He is getting so big, so muscular, sometimes i wonder if he will have a neck when all is said and done! When He was 11 he wore a size 11 shoe, 12 a size 12 shoe and so on..... He can only get in a size 15 on certain brands of shoes. He will be 15 a few days before Christmas. I am going to assume that now his body will catch up to his shoe size. Andrew is tall, with lean muscles, Sam is getting tall, but he is bulky and defined and he isn't even trying yet. And feeding him is another topic all together, He can't seem to eat enough. those teenage boys!!! I took the above picture this morning.... even at 6:45am these two are best buds and quite pleasant (can you tell?) Things are going really well here and there is a level of peace here for the boys that is difficult to explain. I spent so much time trying to keep peace with Bill and the boys and Corey. I know though they are NOT ready to bring in any more foster children at this time. If i am going to do that again, i will wait until these ones are raised and gone. it wouldn't be fair to anybody. If i lived alone, i know i could take in a few problem teenagers~but i am not alone! and my decisions affect everybody in the household. I think i did the opposite esp. with Andrew. for instance, he could have easily got his driver license before he was 18, BUT Corey wasn't even near ready. so i didn't want to let Andrew do it either. I checked ALL my boys computer history. Corey always got in trouble with Porno and such *since he came at 12. but everyone suffered because the computer was shut down at night. the last time the computer crashed completely.. he told us Andrew was on... well it was determined he was signed into his myspace last, and later we found printed out Pornographic pictures. However everyone got in trouble because at the time we couldn't prove anything. Sam and Drew never complained, and never once mentioned how unhappy they were. they just left alot, spent alot of time at their dads or their bedroom.(*i thought it was a teen boy thing) it was only after Corey chose to leave, did they even mention how difficult it had been especially the last year or two. it was only then that Sam said it was okay to let him come back, but he'd go live with his dad.
They are 100% happier. One week after it was official that Corey left..... the agency called and wanted us to take in 3 more children..... ummm don't think so. Sammy said NO right away as well as Bill.......... Now how did i get back on this subject again??? it took a couple months to deal with it, but i am definitely doing well. Corey was dealt a crappy hand, but there isn't anything i can do to change that. he has now been in 11 homes, i was his 9th. i tried for 5 years the rest of his homes lasted less than a year.. i did the best that i could. He will be 18 this week, and he hasn't been back to school since he left here for good... something about a head issue, where he feels great enough to be on facebook and myspace for 6 hrs a day (per his friends at school) but can't come to school cause the computer makes him dizzy. his new mom is sweet but clueless, she told me the other day, he does so well and just when she thinks he can go back to school, the day of the doctor appointment.....he gets dizzy again, and needs to take another month off. Corey needs a strong hand..... I just wanted to see him graduate! but yet again it isn't my deal anynmore......
Gee i only work today, well today, and i'll take one day to clean.....maybe Friday. it will be nice.
I spoke with Patti briefly yesterday, and i promised her i'd call after we see the Blind side. she was just getting ready for a manicure and a pedicure. she hadn't had one in so long. i beat her though...... I haven't had one in 42 years. yep never had one :0). maybe before i am 50!
Hope that everyone has something to be thankful for ~ take time to enjoy the moment!
:Love and Blessings

Picture this.........

Last week, i am walking up the few steps leading from the office to the waiting area where I work, I have a handful of charts, and well, i know it is easy to fall down steps, but it takes a bit of talent to fall up the steps.... which i, and gracefully so did. I hit just below my rt knee where it crashed into one of the steps, my elbow skidded across the carpet floor, the charts went every where, and my head landed on the shoe of one of the clients. Not an issue, my leg "ached" all day, my elbow had an abrasion. My dignity remained intact, cause stuff like that just doesn't bother me.... fast forward two days, i am cleaning out my little refrigerator in my room, so i am on my knees, and i notice below my right knee, it tingled and then became numb. I notice a bruise located just below my knee, i took my finger and from mid shin to the knee, i move my finger along the bruise, and i experienced the coolest sensation as i roll my finger up to my knee.... it felt like something was crawling down on the side to my ankle, it didn't hurt....but felt so freaky weird, it does it EVERY time i touch there. and if i apply pressure to the spot just below my knee, my lower leg gets tingly and then goes numb. Christina thinks i should get this checked out, i don't know, it isn't painful, i can walk on it without any issue, i told her if this is still going on i may check after the holiday. I have fallen from trees, played softball, basketball, and volleyball, i've hiked, and tripped dozens of times and i have NEVER felt anything like this, never.
Thursday Bill and I are going to eat Thanksgiving lunch at Christina's, the kids will be going to their Dad's parents at lunch. and then i think we are all going to the movies and just enjoying "US" as a family. Bill and Katie want to see the Blindside ( i think that is the name) but it looks like a feel good movie.
What else, oh Christina and I are planning on fixing up the field house with a gym of sorts, treadmill, elliptical, weight machines, free weights, exercise balls, workout video's and tons more. it is a huge room, and family will be able to use it with us, or Chris and I can work out together., so if we see Johnny weekly, and we can't get back to the gym....... we'll have one right here...
well i should go sweep the house before Bill and Tornado Sam get back... i'll chat more later. I would like to talk a little about Holiday eating with the lapband. i sure have to eat slow now...... and my food intake is easily cut in half right now... so if i don't eat through the lapband, i will be okay. How do i eat "through". easy......wait an hour, then eat a little more, wait an hour and eat a little more..... it adds up if i am not careful.

~*~ hiking and the bald Eagle

So i did get to go for a hike yesterday, Christina and I, Juneau and Dixie. at first i was worried about Christina's grandpuppy coming, she can get pretty bitchy at times, esp with other dogs. Christina could easily be a dog whisperer, she doesn't get nervous around dogs at all, so she wanted to try. she also took into consideration that MY one hundred and thirty pound wolf of a dog, has the most gentle spirit i've ever seen in a dog. Chris was right the dogs were fine. We hiked at Conemaugh, doing the 4 mile loop. Dixie, never slowed down, so coming back to the car, juneau and i where walking slightly behind, I look up in the tree's and i was shocked to see the bald eagle, he was low enough, and as a rule unless an Eagle is high enough to be a part of the wind current, they do not soar, not like a buzzard or other type of Birds of Prey. i haven't seen one in a while, and per the forest rangers that are at conemaugh, they do not have nests in the area, and only come to the river during summer months to fish. well maybe they do have a nest around. by the time Christina came back to where i was standing, the bird was too far away to see it. so we continue on our way. . . well a few hundred yards before we got to the car, while crossing a bridge, i look up and there is an eagle, pretty high up, and he was soaring...... i was SO excited, Christina saw this one. and she was thrilled, but not nearly as thrilled as me LOL. ( hey i love Eagles) I have no idea if it was the same one, and he came back just for Christina to see him too. Or, was it another one, and if that is the case, then there just may be a nest around. any rate, i was happy to see him, and now i want to go hike again, and more often.
Well i felt pretty good afterwards, not too sore, Juneau is beat. but i think i'll go this morning.

So easily distracted......

yesterday morning, Bill decided to take me and Christina to the gym, he loves taking me places, he figured he could drop me off at the gym's door, and come back 1/2 hour later. Andrew also decided to go too, just to observe Johnny working with Christina and I. So we get about 5 minutes away from the gym,......... and I get a text from Johnny, a "massive headache". ( i think a massive hangover). Christina jokingly say's, gee i think we should just go for pancakes!!!, Didn't take any more pursuation than that. we decided to skip the gym, and go for breakfast, it was actually a very nice time. one, i can't do pancakes, and two, i don't like "sweet" for breakfast. but i did have 1/2 of an omlette. Andrew came home from a friends early in the morning JUST to go see John, at first he wasn't too happy, BUT, he Loves his Christina so that made up for it. Ever since a couple years ago, when Andrew had that severe concussion, HE and Christina became really good buddies. He really does adore her, all my kids do.
Okay seriously, we could have gone to the gym, but having breakfast isn't a big deal. But I do really need to make exercise a priority! it is so easy to get out of a groove. so therefore i NEED to get back in it. NO EXCUSES! I think I am doing well with my eating, but i have to have both of the equations, I need both exercise and diet to be in "harmony" with plan. yeah i know that I am busy, yeah i know i work alot, but still. Today I am going for a hike with Juneau, I told Bill to take the Jeep so that i can have the old tracker......or what i call the Dog Taxi, cause i won't put a muddy 130 lb dog in my new Jeep. I'll give Christina a call at 8am to see if she wants to go. She has been busy too, or at least we are busy at different times. But i can't use the excuse, Christina can't do it? or Johnny can't do it... I CAN walk wihtout Chris, and I can go to the gym without Johnny. besides, not only do I have access to Johnny, i have unlimited access to the gym, and Yoga class, and Aerobics class, and Zumba class and Pilaties class. I have a high end Eliptical machine as well as an entire "gym" in my own home. I live right in the center of dozens of Trails...... no excuse Sandra Marie ;0)
Well i should get the house in order, think i am going to make a meatloaf for supper tonight, and then i want to get my schedule out and plan my exercise for the week. I will write it in.....and see if i can keep myself accountable.
On a last note........ i had a WONDERFUL day yesterday. there is so much peace and calmness in my home, i can't even explain it, but it is there. I am happy!!!

~> the only one!!!!

Yesterday i call the Pittsburgh Office where i go for my Lapband, so i could reschedule for a much needed adjustment~ so i call and the receptionist hesitantly responses with ....." oh we aren't scheduling anyone for lapband adjustment right now!" i say that I guess it's difficult with Mike gone. she proceeds to tell me that not only did Mike leave, but so did Tara and the one that was doing the adjustments was in a car accident!!! I immediately asked if He was okay ? and then i just said, well it is way more important that he is okay, than me getting an adjustment, there is a brief silence on the other end, and then I am told out of many many many people calling in, I was the ONLY one that didn't get upset or show frustration. How sad is that? It isn't like i am having cancer treatments, or major illness treatments postponed. Its a Lapband People........ just a lap band adjustment...... i told her I wish Bill (who was in the accident) the best, and I'll pray that everything is okay. I guess they had a major meeting yesterday to decide what can be done, and they think I'll get the adjustment hopefully end of this year, or first of next year. WHAT WILL BE, WILL BE!!!
as in previous blogs you can tell, that my band is still giving me restriction, granted, not as much as it was a month or so ago. And ultimately I am responsible for my weight loss, not a piece of plastic. oh and Patti, i appreciate what you said in your blog yesterday... because with the lapband, i must exercise, and monitor what I eat, the lapband does nothing on it's own. And if someone out there is thinking about a lapband as a magic way to lose weight, you are going to be so disappointed, cause let me tell you it is hard work.
So the lapband does prevent me from eating the quantity of food at one time, but it is easy to eat over the lapband restrictions, by waiting a little, even as short as thirty minutes, and then eating again, and snacking alot in between. so i will have to make a conscious effort to eat 3 meals and one small snack, and i am REALLY going to have to get a better exercise routine going..... If I was to have an adjustment now, i would have, so i just figure that i'll trust that it isn't something I am supposed to have right now, and i am more than okay with that.
Well, i better get going, i think i am going to have a long day at work... and i want to get there early, because i have a feeling with me on Vacation, things have piled up.
Have a great day

Vacation and living with the Lapband

First let me tell you...... i had a wonderful, much needed vacation with my husband. He took me down South to visit his sister, (whom i love dearly) and visit some quaint historical southern towns. let me rewind back to Friday...... as i was heading out the door for my appointment in Pittsburgh, i get a phone call and they had to cancel my appointment. for a spit second disappointment, and then i just figured it would be better that i didn't. because, i was going to get a 1cc adjustment, which would mean a good 24 to 72 hrs of liquids, to soft to regular. and IF there was any problem after the adjustment, i would have been over 500 miles away. so it just worked better. time wasn't wasted though,..... and let me rewind further,...... on Wednesday i get a phone call from the high school, Andrew had injured his ankle, and he couldn't walk on it, so i arranged for him to get an Xray in which his grandparents took him......... i found out Thursday that, there was indeed something wrong with his ankle and he needed to see a specialist, so fast forward back to Friday...... i called to schedule him an appointment for the next week, HOWEVER as luck would have it, they had an opening at 10:30 am, on that very day... i took it........... so long story short, Andrew has a broken ankle!!!, all is well, and i don't even sweat a broken ankle, after going through head injuries, and total facial reconstructions....... ankle is doable!!!

AND for the big news, I dropped 3lbs over the mini vacation, and food was not the focus, and i didn't even think about it. Bill and I used to "snack" during the entire road trip, well we stopped to eat a healthy meal every 3 or 4 hours, and since i can't do fast food well, we picked places where i could order a normal meal. we did take some almonds and apples, and water, ... but that was about it. I told Bill, that i didn't realize how much i've changed, until i really thought about it. I could eat normal meals, could not finish any plate, but ate all kinds of food.
Only had one issue coming home, we left about 4am, and stopped at about 7 am for breakfast at IHOP, i love the multi grain pancakes, but just a taste, i am not a pancake person, hate sweet anything for breakfast, so i ordered an omelet, with a side of the harvest grain pancake..... i should know by now that i am too tight in the mornings this early to eat much of anything, so i took a bite, maybe two, maybe three..... and then i got "stuck", i felt worse before, but still i wasn't comfortable, i sat there about ten minutes, no luck, went to the bathroom to spit the much built up saliva, did some stretches, spit some more..... and after about 15 minutes more, i got it moving again, i was able to eat 1/4th of the omelet, and about 1/2 of the pancake... plenty, and it kept me totally full until we ate again at 2pm., Bill and I laughed remembering the last time we were at an IHOP, which was a while ago,.... i ate the entire omelet, 2 of the pancakes, and was ready to eat again two hours later, even while i snacked the entire time between those two hours... wow times have changed, photos of Bill and I are tolerable to see now, they came out blurry, or i blinked, or something like that, but i couldn't help noticing how much i am changing........ slow and steady........ I am so happy :0)
tomorrow I'll call and reschedule for my adjustment, I'd like to have it done before the holidays come in full swing.... i think it will help even more.
no matter where i go....... there is NO PLACE LIKE HOME, good night

Life as it is~~~~

Well, football is over, class for DBT training is over, and it looks like my schedule is working out pretty good. didn't enjoy any of this yet though, Katie had the flu, i took her to the Urgent care unit that just opened for IMRC. The ER doctor said it is more than likely the N1 H1, she ran a fever, and the chills body ached so bad she didn't want to move, sore throat, head ache, nausea and vomiting, out of the criteria they were looking at she had ALL the symptoms.She is miserable sick, and she is a VERY difficult patient, she doesn't like to be "cooped" up, but i must say she was so sick this time, she didn't care, she slept, drank, and took her medications. She likes me around though, she is 20 and still wants her mom there when she is sick, drives me nuts :-). although she gets tired fast, i must say she is feeling much better.
Andrew's last football game was Friday, and at the last minute i decided to let Katie home for a few hours, i mean really what could i do for her? So proud of Andrew, i love watching him play. Sammy's last game was Thursday, and they were undefeated this season, Sam had two touch downs, and tons of one man tackles, to beat the only other undefeated team. He'll be fun to watch next year too.
Sat early in the morning, Bill and I will be heading somewhere...... just to get a away for a few days, we will be back on Tuesday night. I love road trips, and i really could use a break.
I went to the gym on Sunday, and my body still is feeling it. I hate when i go alone for the very reason that he doesn't take his eyes off of me...... can't sneak a second in anywhere. He is really pushing me to get up there more, and he is right. and there are no excuses......... just gotta do it!!!
Friday i go for another Lapband adjustment, and i definitely need one now, no doubt, oh i am not gaining any weight or anything, but i can eat too much carbs without a major issue. so i'll get the adjustment just before i head for a mini vacation, so i guess food will not be an issue.
Not sure if Chris and I are heading to the gym today, it may be later, think she had to take her mom to an appointment this morning. but Thursday is a definite for me. today I am car less, so if Chris doesn't go, guess I'll do the elliptical for 30 minutes.....
Well i should get my butt off this computer chair, and do something with this house.
Have a great day today.

Is this better Patti???

my dear friend Patti called me today, and told me that my blog was coming up all Jumbled with titles crossing over with each other, from my computer, i didn't notice. so does this work better Patti.?
I will blog tomorrow morning, have so much to say, so tune in tomorrow.

I thought i was dying......no really!!!!

as the day moved along yesterday, the more i got dizzy, i felt so weak, and my head was just pounding, and the big thing was from the dizziness, I started throwing up, so i put away my water and my sugarfree brewed green tea...... and exchanged it for Gatorade, a little flat ginger ale, and later on potato chips. spent most of the evening in bed with this really cool eye ice pack on. I actually felt better before drifting off to sleep for the night, and i woke up this morning feeling okay. Maybe i was dehydrated and my Chemicals were out of whack, so i figured a little glucose, potassium and sodium might to the trick. there was a period yesterday evening that my head was hurting so bad, and i was so dizzy, i thought for sure something was majorly wrong.
I am going to work today, think i'll just do 5 hours. so 10 to 3 sound like good hours for me :-). Tomorrow is Sammy's last game, and Friday is Drew's. if Sam wins this game, he wants to have a party for the team at our house. on behalf of them going undefeated. Katie said she will take care of this the weekend Bill and I are gone......... lol, i say NO they can do it next week on friday WHILE I AM STILL HOME!!!
i have been so busy, exercise has taken back seat, and that HAS to change. well, i am finished with classes for DBT training, my work schedule is going to be more consistent. and football will be over this week..... shhhhh, i don't want to say it too loud, but i see light at the end of the tunnel....... the weather changing doesn't affect me too much, i don't mind hiking in cold, snow or even rain. and Christina is such a trooper, she'll follow along, also Johnny said we have complete access to his gym. there is yoga, and tai chi, Pilate's and zumba dance. as well as the weight training programs... and he'll still train us too.
Next friday before Bill and i head for our much needed mini vacation, i am seeing my Lapband doctor, ...... and i am sure i will be needing an adjustment....... that certainly will keep me from over indulging on food.
well i am going to get ready for work........ have a great day folks......... i plan on it, i mean since i don't think i am dying and all

I am experiencing MAJOR......

......... PMS, that with the additional stress, is really making me "not feel well", now i cannot do much about the PMS , but dang it, i need to control the stress level. I have had the beginnings of 3 migraines in the past week. the reason i say beginnings, because i have a medication that works quite well, in stopping the migraine at the "light show" (Maxalt), every muscle in my body is aching, including my finger tips, and ribs. I am retaining fluid like in big way ( and i drink 1/2 gallon to a gallon daily). Any major life changing event good or bad, causes an elevated stress level. and for the past 8 weeks, i did have a major life changing event happen. my problem is letting it go, and now dealing with anger. i am talking about losing my prodigal son. I am going to be honest here, it was a very difficult time for me. BUT i can't help noticing the change in my kids, especially my boys. Andrew asked me yesterday when the prodigal threaten to leave and it got really bad the last time, why did i fight to keep him another 6 months. He said, he is sad that he "lost the last two years of happiness at his home. now this is just an 18 year old boy talking. obviously, now there is nothing i can do to bring that time back, and i told him he needs to chalk it up to life lessons.. and go on. and be thankful that God worked it out that his senior year will be without the issues and hassles that would have occurred if prodigal was here and hating it so much. Here i thought my boys holed up in their room's because it was a stage, not because they were avoiding dealing with the "other brother". I still care what happens to the prodigal, and it is hard not being a mother to him, i spoke with a teacher and his counselor last week, both said he NEEDS structure, he is right now very happy in his new home, the 10th or 11th honeymoon in 10 years. his "new" mom... believes everything he say's, many others including several teachers are catching on. I think he's lived in his new home two weeks and has missed 6 or 7 days of school. His mom said that he is so sick, HOWEVER, he has gone to the movies, gone to the Cav's basketball game, hung out with friends... friday his new caretaker said he was so dizzy he couldn't walk across the room, and then i was shown that he spent several hours on my space downloading 338 cav's game pictures....... I want to say........ get back to school, you've gotta apply yourself, you are in danger of not graduating...... but i cannot... and this is the part that i have to let go..... i know He does this for attention, and i know he is really really dangerously good in manipulating the situation to work for him, he had to as a young boy to survive. he refuses counseling, and i see him falling through the cracks. I want him to graduate, i want him to succeed. He is right though, he has a "switch" and he knows when to use it.. Thank goodness the facility know me, and thank goodness they let me know what he is saying.... i am just lucky that Children and youth aren't knocking on my door, cause he was so abused here.. Andrew and Sam actually have crossed over to Hate, and those who know Sammy, he hates no one............. okay........... now i have decided to let him go, no matter what he does, no matter what he say's. I told Christina to not let me talk about it again........ i have mourned long enough, and now that it is starting to affect my health, it is time to let it go..... I don't need to blog about this anymore, and i plan on NOT blogging about this again. it is time that i give this up to God, and concentrate on the kids at home. but it feels good to write it down.
Today i babysit Carley for a few hours, she isn't hard to watch and honestly she is so darn cute.
...... now back to the PMS, i've been crying over everything, happy things, sad things, stupid things........ i am so pms'y that i am beyond grumpy, i am just laughing at myself, have to, i mean when i have a melt down......... and start yelling because the table cloth is on crooked, and i look at the men in my home........just laughing at me, because i am being ridiculous.... how can i not laugh~!!!! And Jay i put on 4 pounds in 2 days, better than 6 huh !!! ....... hopefully i'll get it all out of my system..... Bill and I are planning on taking a few day's off and getting away. football is over this week, and i need a break!!!
Well i should get going, and finish sweeping. have a great day.......

Going on Strike!!!!

So if you read this blog, and you have little children....... here is proof that some activities you don't have to "grow up" from.... my kids are 20, 18 and almost 15. and they still carve pumpkins. yup i can see them coming home from college to carve pumpkins.... Katie's pumkin landed at her Grandparents home, Drew's went to his dad's home. and i got Sammy's pumpkin for here. For two years it has been on and off again stress for them, because they never complained, it was more than i realized until most recently. I am going to be honest here, not sure i'll take more foster children, if i was single, lived alone, heck yeah....... but that kind of decision affects the whole family... and it has to be a unanimous YES all the way around.
Last week was yet again so busy, I did really well monitoring and keeping track of my food intake, exercise was unheard of, i again only was home to sleep weds, thurs, and fri, and sat. and i mean that. Thursday i worked as the school nurse, went to sams game, went to the store, friday i got up early went to make hoagies for the football booster club.. went directly to work, went directly to Andrew's senior night game and then went over to his dads house (right next to the field) for an after game party. this was the first time that we had the party at Albert's house. Christina made the most awesome best cake... and it is so cool, i am sure people think it is odd to see me and Albert and bill raise these children together. and because it was senior night..... we all met Andrew on the field in a type of ceremony. there was alot of divorced parents present, some with just one parent, some with both parents but no extra spouses. Andrew was the only one that had 3 parents walk him out......... he later told me that kids choose who walked them out, and Bill is EVERY bit as much of a parent as me and Albert, and he wouldn't have done it any other way. Sat. went and cleaned the doctors office and then spent the day/evening with Bill's mom............ got back Sat night.
Now......about the "going on Strike" title. so Sunday comes, i had already spoke with John the night before, that i wasn't planning on coming up, i just NEEDED a day off. well, so i sleep in until 9am..... went for groceries, came home made holiday soup, cleaned the house, started laundry, baked......etc....... i never sat done the entire day. my brother and his wife and kids stopped in, so i fed them...... finally at 8pm i get a hot bath, and crawl into bed......... NO joke i never stopped. so i told bill next Sunday I am on strike.... it will be up to him and the kids to take care of me.... he agreed, and is already trying to figure out what to make for supper........ whatever, i won't be picky LOL..... it is all in fun, and i enjoyed my day yesterday..... the house is so peaceful, and the kids no longer "live" in their bedrooms....... actually they only go in their rooms to sleep.
I am going to make a conscious effort to start my blogging on a more regular basis, it keeps me honest in my journey to better health......... so you'll be hearing more of me!!!

Content & Comfort

What a beautiful Sunday afternoon. it seems like i am only getting time to chart weekly, so hopefully i will have some more free time. . . . . . . not sure though. so my doctor's office cut back my hours two weeks ago, maybe three. I immediately got a call from the school asking to work a couple of day's, and the next day i got a text asking me to work several day's at Kiski Prep. so i have all this time offered to me......... and Friday the doctor asked me to increase my hours again at the office. I am not complaining..... just stating that i am certainly staying busy. also both Sammy and Drew have two more games left and then football season is over!!! I love football, but i think the boys are ready for a break. i mean they started football two days after school ended last spring. Sammy has decided that he will be playing deck hockey. Andrew decided that he plans on hanging at Uncle John's gym and workout on speed endurance and building muscles.
It has been so rainy lately, and it has been difficult enjoying the changing colors, that is why i captured this picture off my deck...... look at the colors. Katie just told me that I am "weird" this morning..... she told me that so many rainy days really can cause blue moods in people, but i seem to like them. well i do, now don't get me wrong, i was getting tired of sitting on bleachers getting soaked Friday after Friday after Friday... but i love dreary days. i love being home on dreary days.
Today i made beef stew in the slow cooker, and fresh bread sticks I also made ho ho cake for Andrew to enjoy. (well everybody likes it, but Andrew really likes it), the house is warm and cozy, the guys are watching football, and i am getting ready to go read a little... that is if I can read. This morning i woke up to a light show that took not one pill, but two to stop the light show and help to make the Migraine not so bad. so as usual like clock work, i get this 5 to 7 days before !!!!
Hope everyone had a decent Sunday........ I'll try to post before next Sunday

Okay, it's even getting to me

I am one that loves the Rain, I even love hiking in the rain.... rain doesn't bother me, BUT i must say i am getting tired of it raining on Football nights, the weather has been pretty decent all week~ and then the morning of a field trip and football game, I wake up to rain, oh they say that there may be some snow mixed in it......... so it is an icy cold rain. I am trying to use one of my DBT training skills, and remember, there is nothing in my humanly power that i can do to stop the rain, therefore, i need to shut up, and deal with it. So i will!!! LOL.
i definitely need a lapband adjustment, I am able to eat pizza crust and even bread, without a major "stuck". Now i can only eat two square's of Pizza, but Dr. Mike did say that two pieces of pizza is one too many as far as the lapband is concerned. so in all honesty, i really do need to get a better grip since i still have a grip........
Christina and I have been pretty faithful in our workouts. Even if we don't have a Johnny day, we still make it to the gym. and last week we went without each other cause my schedule is so busy. This is the last week that my schedule is so annoying. the DBT classes take so much time. and throw in two football games in the mix, and a couple thursday field trips.... and a Saturday morning job........ and a mother in law in need, I will not see any "Me" time until Saturday evening.... it has been like this for almost 2 months. and I am ready for it to be done. This friday is my last 8 hour class, football has a few more weeks left. and the field trips have this week left. so much for my hours at work to be cut back, haven't even noticed it. I have also added a little babysitting, and Kiski has several days that i can take. God ALWAYS PROVIDES for me.
Well, I gotta get my lunch ready for the field trip, I'll use my new Salad container

isn't this cool looking, i have several of these containers check out the website to see other kinds http://www.coolgearinc.com/stayfit/product.html Cause i need to concentrate on lean protein, i will fill the bottom up with Greens, tomato's and peppers, the tray i will place Rotisserie chicken breast, hard boiled egg chopped, and low fat cheese. and my dressing will either be Italian or Ranch, haven't decided yet. i'll also take a 100 calorie yogurt delight, and an individual packet of raw nuts. oh and a 32 oz container of water. That is one thing i am good at, packing and preparing my lunches.

well i guess i should get going......OH i forgot~~~ i fixed my computer, somehow i was finally able to get it to "factory start up", it is working better than it has, so we shall see how long this will take.

Nathan~ Molly ~ Father Mike

okay let me begin by calling Christina and Patti smart a**'s LOL. my home computer is officially dead/gone/kaput. i attempted to blog before it died last night, and i got the title..... so let me explain
for one, Nathan has inspired my workouts more than he knows. at the end of our workouts Johnny has us do a ten minute cool down, with 30 seconds of speedish hell on the even number. so at 2,4,6, and 8 minutes we ride like the wicked witch of the West on Wizard of Oz when she is that mean lady in Kansas going after Toto on her bike. So Sunday Chris told me that she found when she prayed for Nathan on those times, ..... the seconds just flew by.... So that is what two middle age ladies did at the gym........ prayed... so the first few times I prayed for Nathan's peace, prayed for healing, prayed for a miracle. I guess per Christina, she prayed similar. well the last speed round.... I sorta imagined God letting me take a hold of Nathan's pain, and i was pulling it from him.... moving my legs as fast as they could, taking his pain further and further away.. Christina told me she was spending the last 30 seconds .....thanking God...... Just like the two of us to work as a team.....even when we don't know it. So Kellie please tell Nathan that two really "old" ladies *well to him i am sure we are old. have been praying for him often.
Now Molly is another dear friend of mine, She is one of those friends that I can go a year without seeing her, and we can meet up and our friendship never skips a beat. Molly loves God, and Molly loves her Catholic up bring, and she loves Father Mike, the priest who spent several years in her area, and then was moved to another Parish. She kept telling me how cool he was, and how much she enjoyed him preaching. Now my mom was raised Catholic, and i went to a Catholic Church for some childhood years, but i was nervous, Oh not nervous about going to a Catholic Church...... I can hang with God, in a Presbyterian church, i can hang with God out in the woods, while driving my car, and cleaning my house. I can hang with God while my Islamic Boss is leading silent meditation.. Honestly i was worried i wouldn't know when to sit, kneel, stand, and what to say.... Molly assured me that all would be good. Well surprisingly it is like riding a bike, i just remembered..... well most of it. before the service actually started, when we went to the pew, to kneel and pray....... after that, i leaned over to Molly and whispered..... " i checked in with Mother Mary, but just to say hi , told her i wanted to go directly to Jesus. and wanted to make sure that was okay. Molly busted out laughing........... and whispered back...... " i pray directly to Jesus!!!! " So i guess in my childhood i remember my grandma, always praying to the Virgin Mary..... so i just thought........... Father Mike was one of the best preachers i've heard. He speaks from the heart, with a clear message, straight to the point, with incredible meaning and dealing with how to Make everyday life doable. He is a sweet man, very warm and caring....... i immediately liked him, I was honored that Molly asked me to go worship with her, and meet Father Mike
Well i've got alot to do, so i should get going...... Love and Blessings to all of you.
Oh and Patti, i so enjoyed talking with you......... always love talking to my sis. oh and I talked to Christina... she may work it to come out to Arizona with me.... do you think Arizona can handle me and Chris at the same time.???? not so sure

Sunday Afternoon

What a really nice day today has turned out to be. I started out going with Christina to work out with Johnny, and then Bill and I went directly over to the doctor's office to clean, I came home and baked a couple homemade apple pies, using the apples Bill picked up from the local orchard that they sell along the road. earlier i put a barbecued pork roast in the crock pot and i had roasted red potato's. Katie had this wonderful idea that we make tie dye shirts, and the photos show my kids, and the table with the "artwork".

I love this time of year, I love everything about it, the weather, the comfort food cooking, the leaves, the crisp apples, the pumpkins, football games..........

I have a pretty busy week next week.... Monday doctor appointment, Tuesday school field trip, Wednesday is work, Thursday is gym with Johnny,work and football, Friday is school and football, Saturday clean the doctor office......... wow for my hours getting cut back, it sure doesn't show it in my schedule does it???

I am feeling so good again and i am loving my neti pot, I've used it 3 days and it makes a big difference already..... my sinus' aren't draining nearly as much. I am not totally set on it yet, but i will let you know how it goes...

Well I should get going, have a few things to do............ have a great week

Drew.....

http://www.indianagazette.com/articles/2009/09/29/sports/high_school_sports/10024513.txt

Ahhh, my 18 year old son all grown up! He has matured so quickly these past few months alone. This is the same boy that had the major concussion that kept him out of school his tenth grade year, the same boy that just a few months ago had is facial bones totally redone. all if well for him right now. he does what they call duel enrollment. between school and college. He wants to attend IUP, a college twenty minutes away. He is the opposite of Katie, and He and His brother are polar opposites as far as personalities are concerned. He's overly cautious, studies alot, more serious, worries alot. He has never been in trouble at school. and He was voted "Most Dependable" in his senior class. Katie is twenty, and she just now thinks she may have an idea what she just might want to do. Her grade were good. her study habits bad. and then there is Sammy, as i like to call him Eeyore from Winnie the Pooh. he goes his own pace, his voice is the same whether he is happy, angry or sad. He loves life. His grades are pretty good, and if they aren't, then too bad!!! He is mister social butterfly. and we are trying to help him learn little better study habits. Sammy will never have an ulcer, or stress related hair loss. Sammy is just that Sammy.

So I raised all three kids, same home, same situations.........and they are all so different. And the biggest thing that I have done, is Love them for those differences. I want my kids to love who they are, and what moment of life they are in no matter what the circumstance is. Andrew gets straight A's, GREAT, Sammy gets B's and C's, GREAT. There was some talking behind my back, that someone was disgusted about the kind of parent I am. cause Katie took a semester off, and i shouldn't have let her. Well hello she was almost 20 i couldn't make her. oh i wanted her to stay in school... but i learned a long time ago, the only person i can control is me. I don't value a life by their degree, or their social economical position, or the money they make. and If Katie would be happy working where she does now..... and she gives that job 100% then GREAT. as it happens, as soon as everyone "backed off" and stopped telling her what she should do. two weeks into school she is ready to go back to college. actually she is excited about it, and will start full time in January. actually it looks like Andrew and Katie will be taking the same nutrition class this winter.....

I wanted to take a minute on todays blog and talk about my other kids. My prodigal son has taken too much of my energy this past year or two. and i've been in a funk lately cause i do miss him, but enjoy the peace, and then I remembered i have 3 more kids that willingly without complaint made room for this lost boy over 5 years ago. and NEVER did they once complain or wish him gone. now that Corey did decide to leave, my youngest Son, then and only then spoke up about some difficulties. and that is why it has to stay this way.

There are changes on the horizon, financially we are treading water okay. my hours are temporarily cut back alot, something to do with Medicare, No budget for PA yet, and all that. it has hit our office hard. because Mental Health is sadly the first to go. But as usual i am figuring God knows why.... now i am back to having more time for the gym, and hikes, I have 75 more pounds ish to lose yet......... so i'd like to do that by next year at this time if possible. I am feeling good though, Allergies are acting up, but i am not even close to how i felt two years ago. i am stronger, and in much better shape. Chris and I hit the gym today, Hike tomorrow, Gym with Johnny Thursday, and i will try to get Chris out for a hike Friday morning. I know she will be busy getting everything ready for Paige's first Birthday party

Oh and Monday i go to Pittsburgh for my 6th month evaluation for the "Study" that I am in. I'll be seeing these people for the next 2 years........ what a commitment on my part.

And Last but NOT least. Nathan, I am praying so hard for you little man, you are in my thoughts all the time............You are a true Hero.

spider web

it never once crossed my mind to not do my morning hike, well maybe it crossed it once..... and we even did the longer 4 mile trail. the air was so heavy, i had a tough time breathing, but i did well, funny with just a mile to go and after completing the second pretty good hill, I decide to take two puffs of my inhaler~ and why did i wait, i was thinking that, i was breathing heavy and coughing and hacking cause i am still a little out of shape, nope, it was because my exercise induced asthma kicked in. I rarely get asthma attacks any more, but i think the cold i have, increase in allergies i am experiencing, the stress i have been under and the weather, just wasn't the greatest combination!!!
tomorrow is class all day, and then i'm going to stay after and clean, because Saturday is Andrew's football game. Saturday afternoon, i'll do the mother in law thing, Sunday morning i am supposed to get company........... and of course the Johnny work out in the morning..... so maybe i'll schedule some get rest and heal time Sunday evening
well big break here, so i think i'll just post this now

~~~Head congestion~~~

This is overlooking the Conemaugh River early this morning, the fog was just beginning to lift, there is a yellow/orange tint just beginning to contrast against the blue sky.... still mostly green, just a tint of other color now.

Christina and I have been doing really well this week, 2 work outs at the gym. and two hikes one 4 miles and one 3 miles, we really need to get in one more hike before Sunday...... maybe Saturday morning will work. maybe even tomorrow morning even if it is a 3 mile one, maybe both......wait, am i confusing last weeks hike with this weeks hikes...... do we need two more hikes in before Sunday??? oh i am so confused.

I am so tired, and i have so much congestion in my head, i am pretty sure it is allergy related, cause, my eyes are watery, the drainage is clear/white from my nose, but i am starting to cough, but i believe it is from the irritation of all the drainage that i am experiencing, and sneezing, my i am sneezing so much.

the next few days will be very busy...... with work, class, football games and cleaning...... i'll look forward to my next few days off. you know i did run a low grade fever over the weekend... and i am really really tired...... hmmm, guess i will keep an eye on things.

well i think i am going to say goodnight for now......

Kellie you and your family are in my prayers, could you please send me via email your daughters address........... i'd appreciate it. Tell Nathan two crazy country woman are praying for him all the time.... the other crazy woman is Christina of course.

really, i haven't been alone all this time

i realize that i haven't been blogging much lately, but just because i've been so busy. it starts thursday morning.... go to work, leave work go directly to Sam's game come home, go to bed, go early to work/ i am in class for the next 5 fridays Learning DBT training. go directly to Andrews game come home go to bed, get up go clean the office, come home get a shower, leave to do the Mother in law routine, get groceries, etc...... come home and collapse. Sunday Christina and I went to see Johnny. ( oh Sat in the middle of the night i got a call from a neighbor, who needed me to check her out). So Sunday i was feeling really crappy, sore sore throat, sinus pressure, low grade fever...... every muscle in my body was aching...... just wanted to sleep, did manage to do some house work, make my regular sunday brunch, as well as a nice supper. today i was shot dead.......... Katie and i got the house in order and i went to bed, and drank tons of fluids, and i mean tons........ then i peed alot, and i mean alot. I feel a little better this evening then yesterday. but i think i will still go to bed early tonight and read a little. and drink some more.
I am still bothered by Corey, but i find i go longer periods without thinking about all of this. I am trying to deal with the lies he is telling people, and trying not to take it so personally. You see Cor wanted to leave to go stay at his best friends house, so when he was able to go.......... his best friends home didn't have "room" for him. so then he wanted to come back. but in the process we found proof that he never stopped the very bad stuff that crashed my computer, that lost him his cell phone, and that is when my youngest son told us that he had different "personalities" when adults weren't around, and begged us not to bring him back in...... so it is a tough lesson for the boy, but honestly.........He will not learn from it........... it's just that when he gets older, it will get him in trouble, and that is what is sad, it will all catch up with him someday.
Bill is feeling better, but still feeling stressed from his family situation. but Bill is going to have to figure out how to deal with it........ i can't "make" him stress free.
So i have not had the whole week of "ALONE " time, ......... what would i do with a week of alone time??? not sure i'd like it, i'd miss my family and friends...
blessings to all

>|< alone

Today, Bill is at work, boys at school, Katie at work......... and i am finding myself all alone. now don't get me wrong, i love my family, i love people........ but i love 'alone' time too. not sure when i had a day like this last, i think i'd even tell Christina to stay away, and Chris is one person i NEVER mind dropping in., I've been up since before the kids left for school, and i am doing some extra cleaning....... so that later this morning, I can take naps , watch old movies, read a book.......
Bill had his stress test yesterday, and not sure yet, but it may have come from a medication he was taken for his shoulders.
I've still had some total sleepless nights, and I wish i could say that my thoughts about Corey are "all gone". but to be honest, they are not. The house is so much more peaceful, and i know that i can't bring him back. but i just don't stop loving him..... i go through periods of ...... just wanting to shake him until he gets some sense in his head, and there are times i just want to hug him as tight as I can...... and i can have both of those emotions in the span of one minute. He is still manipulating, still not dealing, still a troubled boy........ the only thing that will change him is the Grace of God.
Yesterday my nephew turned 20 in Heaven, he crossed my mind all day. and i've prayed for his family.... I know Katie was a little melancholy yesterday, and i knew why........she loves her cousins. it is hard to believe it will be two years this November, since Alex left this Earth. sometimes time stand still, and sometimes it travels so fast that if you blink you miss it. Albert left almost 11 years ago. I now have been away from him longer than i was married to him. Bill and I have been married 8 years. Sammy lived with his dad for 4 years, and Bill for double that. wow, but nothing but numbers here......... Today i am at a good place in my life, and although there are these road blocks, and issues.......... i am loving the path i've traveled...... i am loving my kids at this exact age......
Well i don't plan on hanging out here on the computer all day, so i need to get my butt moving, plan on making some Iced green tea, with a hint of red raspberry white tea...... it is funny, i now drink my tea unsweetened, can't stand sweetened tea now...... sugar or sugar substitute. it is so refreshing., i want to scrub the kitchen floor....... and finish cleaning the refrigerator.......
have a great day and may God Bless You all.

our family corn husker

"okay take the corn in my paws and tear downward"

"i'm almost there, i see the yellow stuff now"

"ahh done at last, but should I have eaten the yellow stuff or not"

For the record, Katie is upset that we call this the "family" dog, since Izzy is all Katie's~~~~ so she says. aren't these pictures just too cute. this dog is so bad, so funny, and such a joy. She is very protective of 'her' family. and is always on alert when some one is visiting the home who she does't know. she isn't aggressive the least, but she is forever watching and checking on Us. I know with out a doubt, she would die trying to save any one of Us. She is a one family dog 100% of the time.
I've had such a long hectic few days.......... and i am exhausted. Bill ended up in the hospital last night........ severe chest pain that hit him after 3 days of "heart burn" that he was popping antacids like jelly beans at Easter. They do think the pain was coming from the heart, as the nitro they gave him seemed to control the pain rather quickly. He did NOT have any heart attack yet......... this may have been a warning that he needed, as his dad had his first heart attack at 43 and his mom has had heart disease since she was in her forties. he was allowed to come home today with the stipulation he does nothing until his scheduled stress test for tomorrow at some time.
The kids are doing well and enjoying the peaceful house. didn't realize my prodigal was causing so much tension, didn't even realize i was spending entire days in my bedroom just to stay away from the moods. oh i love him, there is no doubt. and suddenly he seems to think our house was the best place he has ever been, guess he told his friends mom that i was the best mom he had ( he's had 11). Sadly because of the issues with my youngest, and the other kids, i can't bring him back regardless, besides, i know he is a master in manipulation, and he doesn't want to come back here, other than he had more freedom here than he has where he is at now. He's manipulating his friends family, and i see it, i see it cause i went through it....... but they have to learn for themselves, He thought he'd move in with his best friend, but that backfired..... in a big way, they don't have room for him, and that is the only other reason that he wants to come back here. In the five years he lived here, he never once respected any of our rules. he didn't show it outwardly, he is extremely passive aggressive..... and just quietly disobeyed our rules, over and over and over and over again., Every drawer i go through, every box i pack i find proof of everything he denied, things he blamed Andrew for, found proof it was him........ and gee only been through one of 4 dressers
Today My Andrew is 18 I now officially have two adult children and one teenager......... when did this happen? He is maturing at a very fast rate.........
Well it is a beautiful day......... and no matter how difficult this past week or two has been.... i am blessed, i am so blessed

Not, Not and Not

Okay here it is out on the table, this past week, i have NOT exercised like i should, i have NOT ate like i should and i have NOT meditated/prayed like i should. i just don't feel the greatest right now, my goodness stress CAN make you sick.... this has been a busy week at work too. Thursday was a conference dinner, and yesterday i spent all day at a conference, dealing with mental health...... the theme was transforming trauma to wellness. some very interesting topics, but got home just in time to go to Drew's football game. i am up early this morning to head over to the office to clean. Although like i said i am certain of my decision with My son Corey, it still has really taken a toll on my heart, thoughts, and spirit. and being on the roller coaster of emotions has made my head spin. i am so dizzy, and i am ready to get off this damn ride. my stomach is tied up in knots, so i can go a long time without eating, and then i try to eat the wrong stuff too fast, and get uncomfortable, and the only time i seem to eat okay is by the end of the day, when things have "loosened" up a little. I think the weekend i am going to basic soft, protein shake pureed fruits........ Johnny is on vacation until this coming Monday~ but i think i will start with some hiking again..... that way i am working my body as well as my spirit. After i clean the house today, i plan on going and taking care of Bills mom, get some groceries, and then i think i just want to concentrate on me for the next 3 . hahaha...... that's funny like that will happen, but one can hope........ well i gotta go get my booty moven.
oh Patti, ........... Happy Birthday. Katie told me a dozen times, and i never made it over to call or write you, just know i was thinking about you and i love ya , you're my sis.

Brothers

It's like fire and ice, honey and vinegar, yin and yang, Andrew like wearing dress shirts and ties and sammy likes wearing band t shirts, non matching socks and plaid shorts. and when I say non matching socks....... i'm not talking subtle differences..... i am talking a black sock and a white sock. Andrew must make good grades, study hard, and have everything organized the night before. he is in what they call duel enrollment this year..... 1/2 day of high school, and 1/2 day of college. Sammy thinks it is just great that he now will bring a school book home, and it does help to strengthen his arms, and if he'd just open it, we'd be getting somewhere. Two brothers so opposite, and so incredible close, always have been, they are 3 years apart in age, but age doesn't matter. I remember when andrew got injured pretty bad a few years ago, Sam slept on his bedroom floor 'just to keep an eye on him'. Andrew will be 18 next week, and Sam will be 15 the end of December.....
I was going to again blog about my other son, because it is the last thing i think about when i fall asleep, and it is the first thing i think about when i wake up.. but as i sat here this morning talking to the boys before school, i just couldn't help notice how different they were dressed. and i was reminded that all my energy can't go to the Prodigal.... I don't think i am as angry as i was, but i will say i am finding it harder than i thought. I KNOW he can't come back, i know i've given him a million options in the past five years, I know that my boys would leave, my husband would leave if i brought the disrespect and tension back into this home. I KNOW i am doing the right thing. i know that it was a fluke that we found the disturbing things that we did in his room,... which gave me the 100% knowledge that i had to do what i had to do. but it doesn't make it easier...... i can't help but worry about him, my goodness he is my son. and has been for five years.....i don't have a switch that i can turn off and on...... instead i analyze, feel, cry, get angry, rinse and repeat.
Andrew has a game tonight, love friday night football. I am hoping that i can enjoy a day off next week.... these past two weeks have been so hellish and busy~ a day to myself would be so nice. well I have to get a few things done, work today, and i have a feeling it is going to be very busy day. Tomorrow i have a dinner to go to and friday i have a day long conference to attend and then the game, and Sat i will go and clean......... maybe after that i will hole up in the house , and read a book..........maybe.
Have a nice day today .........

~sleepless

I am so tired, so why is it that I can't sleep right now? it is 3am, and i should be sleeping. I tried to write a letter to C, but i can't. I am too angry. too angry at what was given to this boy, to angry about how he has never respected me, this family, this home. angry at him for destroying my computer with his trash, angry at his lies, angry at his fakeness........angry angry angry. Angry that i "fought" for him, fought with Bill . angry that i trusted him over and over and over again...... until finally after this past year...... i came to terms that C would always lie to me, and C would continue to go behind my back.... Angry that I might not have protected my family enough. Angry that C had the life he had, angry at the system for not saving him before it was too late. Angry at him cause i am sick from being upset. Angry at him cause now my husband will never take in another foster child. Angry that my youngest child felt bullied, that I was told that "C" was "different" when i wasn't around......... mean...... moody....... Angry that my other boys spent the past year and a half hiding away in their bedrooms because they didn't want to be around the "moods" of their brother of 5 years any longer. I am angry at myself that i couldn't "fix" this child that the world messed up so bad I am angry at myself for being angry., gee i think i liked the period of sadness, even shock and denial better than this "season of anger", but i am going with this emotion.......... and obviously i am going with it pretty damn good.. I have faith in God, that He is with me in this walk~ and i know as i know as i know, that I will come to terms. But over the years I've learned to feel what i am feeling, and not try to control or minimize my emotions. for my blog readers I ask for patience, as you go down this path with me. my blog is very therapeutic for me...... who knows i might have to blog all about sadness again. but i will say this, even in this anger.......this very strong anger........ i still have an incredible sense of Peace too. The Peace comes from knowing that God knows what He is doing, and this is playing out this way for a very important reason.... is it the path that C needs? I don't know. it could be the peace that my other boys need, my marriage needs, I need. I may never know, and i don't need to know, Knowing that God sent C to me, and knowing God is in control of the letting C go......... that is all I need right now. Maybe if i lived alone, or had a husband on the exact same page, i could handle problem children. But i don't and I MUST protect the rest of my family. The relief my kids are feeling, the lack of stress and drama... answers the question, am i doing the right thing?
Health wise, i am doing okay. dropping lots of weight fast, but in a not good way. i didn't eat for 3 days...... the stomach "stirring" wasn't good for me. I did finally eat sunday and monday..... but i'm not sure if this all can hurt my band.... because with the band........ I MUST PAY ATTENTION!!!, and it hasn't been a priority for me. I do know i've been wearing Jeans for a few days..... haven't worn jeans in prob 6 or 7 years. I know that next monday i head down to Pittsburgh again for a few hours, will get a monitor to wear, a diary to write in, a million questions to answer, photos to be taken......... should be interesting.
Well it is now after 4 am. think i'll write C that letter when i am in the "sympathy or understanding " phase...... so i'll go crawl in bed and try to sleep. Thank you for listening. and please pray, or send the good vibes....... to ALL of my children........ i'd sure appreciate it.

Sadness/Anger/Acceptance

so many stages of grief, grief isn't just about death, you grieve a lost job, a marriage, a friendship, and about a hundred other things. I am dealing with the issue of letting my son....... let himself go from this family. grieving isn't cut and dried...... i go through sadness, anger, sadness again acceptance, anger..... and this is how i deal with this, I analyze, and relive, and yes even feeling guilty or thinking if i did this! if i stopped that!, maybe things would be different. Many say "don't feel guilt, this isn't your fault" and i understand that, but i know that i have to work through that emotion, so that i am dealing with this in a healthy matter. I know that bottom line, He is almost 18, and he is the only one that can be responsible for his action. and all I can do is hope and pray that i taught him a few skills to deal with what is a head of him, and as he matures hopefully he'll open up. HE NEVER HAS , had a councilor for 9 years, and he never once was honest with him, his hurts are deep, and locked in. and actually when we decided to bring his long term counselor back...... his comment was..... bring him back, i know what he wants to hear. Just as he said in an office full of people last week, He has a switch, and he KNOWS how to turn it on and off............. sounds scary to me,
My son never followed a rule...........NEVER, he was just really good at sneaking, and i caught him everytime........ but things are deep, more complex, and i can't even put in a blog what we found, and how sneaky he has been. But at least this stuff has given me peace in knowing i've made the right decision....And he WILL NOT BE COMING BACK!! if he can do what he did with me watching him, there is no way i can control him when he turns 18. My youngest son is so worried we will bring him back. he said he doesn't want him back......... he isn't angry, but he'd have to move with his dad. He's been cleaning like crazy, doing all of Corey's chores, so that i will see, that he will take his old responsibilities, plus his own. He is only 14, he has every right to be comfortable in his own home....... there isn't even a thought in my mind to change this situation. before friday...... i was still feeling turmoil, after Bill found a few more things, I felt anger........and then it was like God let us find this stuff, so that we could see other issues, so that we knew what we have done was the correct thing....
So in all of this, I can truly say.......... there is peace, even when i am angry, i feel a peace, when i am sad, i feel a peace.......... and for those reading this think.......boys will be boys......... i can assure you there wasn't anything......... normal about the situation! I know boys, and heck i may find a crumbled up playboy photo in one of my son's room....... normal behavior, they'd still have some consequence, because it is still MY home~ and it wouldn't be tolerated. I do not even allow my boys to have pin up girly posters, even in bikini's to be hung up in my house...... oh well!!! at least i know why my computer crashed, why Katie's computer crashed,...... what my ink was used so quickly this summer,........ and how an 18 year old boy COULD NOT BE LEFT ALONE.....
Thank you all for the comments, and private emails and such. it truly helped me.... is helping me through this process .
just thought i'd give you an update. Have a nice day.

Heart breaking..........

without getting into this too much, my life has been pretty hectic lately, and overwhelming sometime. Having trouble with one of my boys, has been a constant battle getting him to understand that the .........grass is not greener on the other side of the fence! He is almost 18, and i just can't tolerate the threats ......" if you are going to get involved when i do something wrong, if you don't leave me alone...... i am leaving!" there is sooooooooo much more to this story, but bottom line. I will not get disrespected in my home, by a cocky kid. So the option was stay, follow the family rules or suffer the consequences. He did not take that option~ so off he goes! I wish wish wish, I could have let this go. just trying to keep the boy out of jail in a few months. when he turns 18. Doesn't understand, won't even talk, I am tired, I am tired of keeping peace with my husband who isn't nearly as patient as me, trying to keep the other kids comfortable during this "outburst" of thick tension, which has happened more and more frequently as my one son gets closer to 18. the older he gets the more i can see he is testing the boundaries, in a way which i have lost control. He did this before, ....... it is like clock work! He finds a BEST friend, he hangs out at their house, he wants to live there, cause it is a perfect place, Because of my son's history, He has gone from home to home, we were his 9th home (five years ago). If he doesn't like a rule, or has an issue, he shuts down......and obviously works quite well in getting kicked out...... it is history with him, it is sad. most homes he didn't last a year...... a little boy, going from home to home to home.......... a really good boy with issues so deep, it will take years, if he'd let it, to get to them. We've been through this cycle about a dozen times, but he was always young enough, that i could get control and diffuse the situation. Now that he is almost 18, he is itching for freedom....... a new BEST friend, and a new honeymoon, a new best family in the world, and he wants to go there. He was so mean, yelling at me, ....... telling me he wasn't staying....... he's out of here............ I called his bluff........ we had a meeting with counselors, principal, case works, my last ditch effort to keep him....... once he started talking all of our jaws dropped, some in the meeting never saw the less than perfect side of this sweet boy.... and then he said........... " I have a switch, and i know how to use it". he's a charmer, beautiful smile, knows what to say, knows what people want to hear. I HAD to let him go, I have to work on this, I have other children that are tired of the drama, they stay away, stay at their dad's, stay in their rooms, cause they don't know the mood he's in. My other 18 year old son is furious that his "MOM has been so disrespected. My husband is angry that i spent yet another sleepless night tossing and turning, crying. My husband is tougher than me, and in the spring when my son did this again.....exact same thing, just different best friend and best friends family.. i got down on my knees and begged him not to go......... i remember he got in my face yelling at me... send me away send me away..... egging me on, my husband was so mad i tolerated that., he said when it happened this time.......if i didn't do something about it......... he'd leave.
I want you to know this precious boy is so stubborn, he doesn't understand the consequences... he'd cut his nose off to spite his face, BUT he is weeks away from being 18, his life sucked.. but only he can decide if he wants to work beyond that, I Love him. but i cannot sell my soul, sacrifice my husband, my other children, I cannot sacrifice myself, my peace for this. He is my son......... he lived here five years!.......... hopefully when he matures, he'll understand....... he'll come and visit bring his kids......... My brothers are devastated, they love him so much..... Can this be resolved? maybe? He is very very stubborn, so i could bring him back, pretty sure the tension will be there for a long long time. BUT right now my youngest son is begging for peace, begging to not bring the tension back, he's only 14. My husband is so frustrated and angry and sad. Bill is not the biological father to my children as you know...... nor was he the biological son to my "prodigal son". So there isn't even the excuse that this son was not blood related.
My spirit will settle, and i will find peace, it will take a little time, a lot of thinking, a lot of guilt to work through, a lot of praying, a lot of tears, and yes this will be mixed in with tons of relief, that the stress is gone right now. But i KNOW as I KNOW as I KNOW. ...... God sees the entire picture, God sent Corey to me...... I got him through his teen years........ i kept him in the same school district....... Seeds have been planted...... I may never see the fruits, But i have to trust that God will take care of the seeds that I sowed, I pray that God will care for this boy, this sweet spirit. I DO NOT regret taking my son out of the foster system. and i too must understand, an 18 year old boy tired of rules, and boundaries isn't really that uncommon. I just hope i've taught him enough, and loved him enough..... that his wings are strong enough to Fly. this damn tough love. this is such a long post, but i think putting it in writing is very therapeutic for me. and when i feel such guilt i am reminded of a story about this really really great woman.
She was a daughter of an alcoholic, married an alcoholic, and had an alcoholic son..... when this son was in his early thirties, she kicked him out of the house, he wouldn't work, and was "trashed" most of the time. he left, and spent time living on the streets, stealing from friends, there came a time when he was "sleeping" in the alley dirty, smelly, drunk, crap in his pants, and hungry....... He called home to his mom, can i come home............. She said NO! the son she gave birth to, the baby she held, the cookies she baked for his grade school, the sports she watched him play...... the memories haunted her, and she cried for three days. her heart broken, and bleeding. Why did she do this? she did this because her love for him was stronger than the pain she was feeling. Fast forward many years. That mother died, but not before she saw a glimpse of her harvest, she didn't see it all, but she saw the change, and now she has a front row seat in heaven.......... To see this "gutter drunk" a graduate of college, a high up management position with a company in the safety and science department, a wife, a beautiful home and three beautiful children, a MAN who hasn't touch alcohol in over 10 years, who loves his God and his mom........... this woman was my mother, and this man is my brother!!!